Go Big or Go Regular

Look, how was I supposed to know that a 50” TV would look so small on a 54” wide TV stand? It SOUNDED like a good fit, but only because I didn't really consider that the TV measurement is a diagonal so it's actually nowhere near that wide. So what started as a stand to hold the TV became an excuse to buy a bigger TV. Live and learn.

Vally had started loud wheezing fits over the weekend. This on top of the sensitive hindquarters and the red on her left third eyelid. I had assumed all this was allergies, especially seeing as how they lined up with the timing of my own allergies, but the wheezing was enough to get us into the vet. So we went in on Monday anddddd… I nailed it. They couldn't find anything in her eye, no fleas to cause the itching, everything pointed to allergies. I'm getting the hang of this. More importantly, I didn't freak out about it after all the prior health drama. MOST importantly, they checked her heart and said it sounds better than before. Long exhalation of stress. My wolf might really be on the mend. I still have this sense of living on borrowed time, because I had really convinced myself that I was losing her before, but I guess that's not the worst thing to feel. Even more appreciation for the time we have. In the meantime, they gave her a $75 shot to knock out her allergies and her skin is already getting better. Woosah.

I found myself thinking about Girlface the other day. It had been a minute. Not really sure what brought her to mind, but it's lingered with me more than I'd probably prefer. Maybe because of the total radio silence for some 4 odd years? Maybe because of the catastrophic, calamitous ending to it all? Maybe because I was in such a poor mental state going into things? Possibly all of the above?

For sure I went in putting way too much pressure on myself. And on her too, likely. But then I think the pressure was just a natural part of getting your first quality time with someone AFTER you've developed feelings for each other. Feeling like you have to live up to an imagined standard that someone has developed feelings for. I probably could have pulled it off when I was feeling great about myself, but not anything less. Looking back, I think she felt the same way. One strike against the whole thing before it even happened.

There was definitely a communication gap that sank me personally. She seemed to go in with a completely foreign approach to how you behave towards someone you like. That doesn't make it wrong, per se, but it made it REALLY fucking confusing. I think I was looking for confirmation that I was ok. That real life me was good enough. That I wasn't a disappointment. Unfortunately, her approach revolved around a lot of telling me no, no, absolutely not, c'mon what's wrong with you, no, DEFINITELY not, and get away from me you idiot what were you thinking. I can now look back and see that she was pushing me away while hoping for me to push through all her fighting me off. All the keeping me at arms length. Almost a consensual non-consent dynamic before I had ever heard the term. But when I was looking desperately for a sign that the in-person me was good enough and she was pushing me away hoping for me to wade through the insults… well even I can see how that becomes a non starter.

I think both of the above wound up putting me into that absolute death-spiral that occurs any time someone puts themselves out there and gets mixed signals in return. There is nothing quite as debilitating as the hot and cold treatment from someone you care about. I've seen others go through it time and again, and Girlface was for sure a situation where I found myself in it. For every time she would shut me out for a week or two, there's another where she'd send a little surprise package in the mail. Half of the time she'd openly wish that I were there to scoop her up and do anything I please with her, the other half she’d scoff at any hints of advances. I remember feeling so awkward when she made fun of me for trying to give her a genuinely felt compliment over dinner, only to have her go out of her way to be caring over breakfast the next morning. It was torture. Unintentional, sure, but torture just the same. I never got my bearings, never felt comfortable, never really got to a point where I felt like I could be myself around her. Ultimately, I guess that's the death knell of any interest.

I hope she's doing well, wherever she ended up. I hope she's navigating the teaching landscape ok in all this remote education stuff. I hope her dog rescue plans took off. I hope whoever she's surrounding herself with recognizes what a smart, funny, quirky in all the right ways, compassionate (even if not outwardly), creative, beautiful person they've encountered. And I hope, if she's landed a guy at this point, that the two of them are way more compatible now than she and I were back then.

Will this little linguistic adventure put the situation to rest in my mind? Unsure. I hope so. If it does, maybe I'll make this a series moving forward. “Beautiful Close Calls and the M That Put Them Into Therapy”. I'll… have to work on the title.

Oh, and I'll just go ahead and share rather than leave you on a cliffhanger - I set up the new 65” TV this evening and HOdaddyjesus is that enormous. Look how was I supposed to know that a 65” TV was going to look so comically oversized on a 54” wide TV stand? Also, it's perfect. Did you really think that the office TV would be the time that I plant, pivot, and steer towards the reasonable? NAY, PEOPLE THAT I'M PRETENDING EXIST AND READ MY WEBSITE. NAY SAYS I. LIVE IT UP. GO BIG OR GO… well regular I guess. You could go regular. Actually you probably should. Seems the wise choice. I'm just gonna keep justifying my purchase to myself. It'd be really inconvenient to try and box it back up at this point is what I'm saying.

Maybe I'll buy a bigger TV stand.

-M