Fit to be Judged

Hey. ‘Sup. How’re you? Cool. Me too.

I wonder if I’ll ever link this somewhere so people might find it. I don’t even think Mom checks this anymore. Maybe I really am safe to dish on family drama or revelations regarding the finer points of tying BDSM rope harnesses for suspension and impact play.

… pausing for horrified text message from Mom…

These days I find too much of my brain all garbled with thoughts about how fucking stupid people are. I don’t want to rant about it here because I realize it’s no use - Americans’ ability to process information and think critically has clearly taken a real hit in recent years. Or maybe we as humans have always been this way and it just hadn’t been exploited so deftly until Agent Fat Orange took the podium? This is how Mussolini did it back in the day too, isn’t it? Just keep shouting something that your base wants to believe and they’ll rally behind it regardless of any evidence. Or a complete lack thereof. Maybe this is just an innate weakness in mankind that I was silly to imagine had been enlightened out of us via education, information, technology, etc.

Ah well.

Things good here. Finally received my first check after the latest big promotion/raise and it’s honestly pretty staggering to consider how far I’ve come in 10 some odd years, professionally speaking. As such, more toys, obviously. I managed to retrofit a weight stack onto my adjustable pulley station down in the gym and I’m so excited about it I ordered a second. Helloooooo superman curls. Been tinkering with smart-home controlled blinds for the first floor, because who has time to open and close curtains each day NOT THIS GUY YOU PLEBS. Ordered a media console for the office so I can finally admit to myself that ceiling-mounting a 55” TV was kind of a silly idea to begin with. Really mission-critical stuff here.

Vally and I got up and out again yesterday after a morning spent on projects. Just up and got in the car and drove off to the ol’ regional park for an extended walk. Saw the soccer fields we all used to play on for the first time in forever. I wonder where Coach Marcello ended up after all these years? About halfway around the path we passed a guy with a dog that looked so much like Aloy that I thought Casey had either loaned her out to a friend or followed us in disguise. Sent a text to tell him about it only to find that he was on an impromptu doggy play date in the area, so Vally and I up and went to hang with that gang. It’s still a little weird being so isolated from people and then just up and going to a small outdoor gathering, but everyone seemed to have been briefed about my virus cautions and, even drunk, kept a respectful few feet between us. Aloy is bigger, but hasn’t lost the gangly paws. Pippa the tiny German Shorthair sang us the song of her people most of the evening. Also cuddled. Vally did well with the group in her typical interested-but-leave-me-alone fashion. Overall, it was really nice getting some face to face people time outside of work zoom meetings. Thankful for the invite.

The only other thing really on my mind is the nature of trying to put myself out there more, both in the context of a pandemic and outside of it. I think I had mentioned previously that 2020 was gonna be my year to get over all the self imposed hang-ups and put myself out there more. Feel better about who I am and what I’m presenting to the world, or at least not worry about it as much. I swore off dating apps because I’m so fed up with the swipe-o-rama approach to socializing - treating people like they’re HDMI cables in the amazon search results, or some other equally dehumanizing metaphor for “there are literally hundreds of options at the touch of a button and so it’s hard to get invested in any one in particular”. But then, if those sorts of apps are out of the question… where the hell do you turn to expand your social circle? ESPECIALLY during a pandemic?

I’ve been feeling like I’m just about completely past all the bullshit self-doubt that had been holding me back before. All the hang-ups that come from a group of college friends kicking you out of the group during a period of depression, or a girlfriend you loved telling you point blank that not a single thing you do is impressive, or growing up with a father that is physically incapable of acknowledging your successes without also tearing you down for some other shortcomings. I hate that that shit stayed with me for so long - and it’ll probably always be a part of me on some level - but I think I’ve rebuilt enough that I feel complete again without the approval of others. That’s big, actually, now that I’ve put it in words. It’s something I had briefly in my early-mid 20s, and that felt like the best version of myself. Self confidence. A belief in my own intrinsic value. It’s taken me some time to bounce back, and lord knows there have been some bumps along the way, but I’m back, and that makes me feel like I’m finally ready to risk putting myself out there to be judged again.

My approach so far has been to just put myself in places where I may bump into new people and let things happen organically. I had thought that there were signs of it working. The fit brunette that moved in down the street early this year seemed like potential for at least a very attractive friend. Clearly into fitness, walks her German Shepherd around all the time, that’s enough similarities for at least a conversation. Two long conversations while passing each other on walks went well. And then?… A lot of nothing. Not really responding. And you know what?… That’s ok. I can honestly say it didn’t bother me, I didn’t shamefully recede inwards, and I’m pretty sure I would have a few years ago. I still feel good about myself, and was able to shrug it off and move on. I recognize that that probably isn’t an accomplishment for most people, but it really felt like one to me. For me.

So, I have officially confirmed that I’m once again happy enough with life and myself to reach out or go join some clubs or take some lessons annnnnnnd end of daylight savings + social distancing. Fuck. Where the hell do you meet people at a time like this?!?

Realistically, I think it’ll probably be at least until next summer before anyone is able to go out and meet people organically again. Maybe I’ll wind up back on a dating site, if for no other reason than to have new people to chat with. But even that doesn’t really bother me at this point. Fitness and nutrition are in high gear again. Creative outlets in place. Financial stability is at an all time high. Health seems to be better again (knock on all the wood). Surely there won’t be any crippling setbacks that hit just days after making such an upbeat and positive post.

… pausing for crippling setback…

Keep on plugging away. More good things ahead.

-M