Back to Basics
I really want to get better at adding things here regularly, rather than waiting months and months and treating this like it needs to be major life installments each update. Wouldn’t it be much more useful for me to organize insignificant daily thoughts? Does it matter at all when I’m the only one reading these anyway?
The last couple weeks have been… actually really nice. I say that with some surprise because we’re currently in the middle of a worsening pandemic, a contentious presidential election, and shortening days. But I’ve largely been blocking those things out - only staying tuned in enough to know generally what’s happening - and it feels really good. Some letting go of things I can not control. Getting back to some of my type B attitude from before I went back to school nights and weekends.
Side note - while I’m glad I did it, because it really did boost my career significantly, those 3 years of working full time during the days and finishing up a computer science degree nights and weekends were HUGELY taxing on my mental and physical health. From falling out of my 2 hours a day exercise habits (from lack of time) to turning into a type A stressmonsterbeast (from struggling to get everything done), I think a lot of the lows I’ve experienced since were caused by me putting myself in positions that didn’t really allow me to be who I am. Namely, a laid back goofball that’s happiest creating things, making music, or getting up and moving.
It’s been a long road back,. but I feel like I’m coming back. The fitness thing continues to come back to me, and I continue to rediscover how much I loved it all those years. This week I had a moment in the mirror during Romanian Deadlifts where I distinctly noticed myself rounding the corner from A Little Heavy Highway onto Beefcake Blvd and it feels so satisfying to be once again looking and feeling like myself. The hardest part is staying patient, sticking to the program, and not going way overboard with two-a-days until I injure all the things again. But sticking with it I am. More results will follow.
Music continues to come back to me. My voice is coming back after the recent whatever-the-hell-that-health-scare was, and I can’t stress enough what a relief it is to be able to sing again, even if still a little strained. Piano has become a 60-90 minutes a day, every day routine that I look forward to all day. I keep adding songs to the pile to work through, and my fingers are starting to feel them again. It’s fascinating to me how all these years in a technical field sort of stunted my ability to express myself through instruments when it was always such a natural thing growing up - like it’s a muscle you have to continue to work to maintain - but those muscles are coming back again and it’s been glorious.
Vally and I up and drove back to the old bike path stomping grounds this past weekend, and it was beautiful and fun and honestly much more emotional than I expected. Those woods feel like they’ve been there for me at every stage of my life. Karen and I riding bikes the length of the path to get to 7-11 for slurpees could be an entire Saturday. Those paths were hours and hours of learning to run all the way up to destroying my knees going 5-7 miles a day. Vally and I would go out there almost daily for the year she was with me in the condo. So to get out there with the leaves falling and Vally at my side, especially after thinking I might lose her recently, was an emotional rush. Lots of things welling up. But in a good way. It felt like I was able to let go of them on some level. All is OK. I’m home, and I’m doing OK.
I need to finish up some work, but things are going pretty well here. Last post was a drama fest after months and months of stress and worry, but I’m feeling good again in spite of everything. Keep the focus on what makes me happy. Keep fighting through the lows to concentrate on what’s important. Keep it up.
-M
