Stress and a Piano

Welp! It’s been almost six months since I checked in here, so I guess it's time to, you know… do that. Or whatever.

I think I've been avoiding checking in intentionally, if I'm honest, because it's been a real rough time. I've been fortunate to be able to stay home and isolated while this pandemic situation plays itself out. Not counting doctor’s visits, I can count the number of errands I've had to run these last 8 months on my fingers. But the isolation has been a hell of a difficult background for everything else going on.

In short, I'm still dealing with strange health issues. I got smacked with a skin cancer on my scalp that required surgery. Shortly after that some strange discomfort started in and around my neck that nobody seems to be able to diagnose or fix. That's been ongoing for about 3 months now and, while it's not as uncomfortable as it once was, I'm definitely still always conscious of it. From last November to now, 11 months, I've spent about 8 of them with some sort of health problem stress. As someone that hadn't even BEEN to a doctor for 4 years before that, it's been a real change from the norm.

On top of all that, Vally gave me a real scare a month or so ago. I had noticed her energy seemed to be a little low for some time, but not enough that anybody else would ever notice. Then suddenly she was laying down in the middle of walks, not eating her food, and not keeping down anything she did eat. A trip to the vet showed that her liver values were triple normal levels, indicating a severe infection or cancer. An ultrasound found no cancer, but showed fluid around her heart. I found myself dropping her off with the local vet ER to get checked in with their cardiologists to try and get some idea what was going on.

I spent 4 hours sitting on the curb outside that ER because I couldn't bring myself to be anywhere else. After a lot of soul searching, self reflection, and more ugly crying than I care to remember, Vally was returned to me. They couldn't find the source of the high liver values or the fluid. No answers. This was good, in that it turned out not to be some horrible cancer, but also tough in that it's yet another health mystery for us to contend with.

Mercifully, Vally has been doing better. While still not seemingly 100%, she's eating normally again, able to join me for longer walks, and I'm really hopeful that whatever she was dealing with is behind us. It’s just SO hard for both of us to be dealing with these unknown, potentially serious but maybe not, health issues while so completely isolated from the world. In a normal year I'd be able to spend time with family and friends to take my mind off of all this, but this year it's been nothing but silence and time to overthink things. Its been… hard.

This has been a lot of venting so far, but I don't mean to make it seem like it's been all bad. I'm learning to deal with it better than I had been. I've come to be somewhat more ok with not knowing what's up with me. I think I finally came to terms with the idea that Vally won't be around forever and I'll have to contend with that sooner or later. That was a silent source of stress that I had been repressing for years. While my throat issues are keeping me from singing, I've been practicing piano and guitar regularly again and that's been amazing. I'm 10 weeks into my full body lifting program with a few outdoor runs a week and I'm starting to see and feel the progress. I've come to love our daily walks down around the park, both to get outside for some fresh air and to be in the vicinity of people for a few minutes each day. I've even started packing the wolf and a book and heading to the park to read for a few hours when the weather allows for it, and that has been theraputic as well.

There's definitely been some rediscovery in these months. The difficulties and the stress and the scares have really forced me to revaluate myself and my priorities. Being isolated has helped me to better recognize just how alone I've been for some years, and to understand the importance of connecting with people around me. It’s been a forced return to the basics, and I think it's probably done me some good.

I'm still able to support myself, exercise, and create. Vally is still here next to me, snoring ferociously while I type this up. In spite of everything that seems to be going wrong in my life and the world right now, I'm still sure that, one day, I'll look back on this time when Vally and I got to spend nearly an entire year hanging out together as “the good old days”. I'm going to keep focusing my time and energy on the things that will make it so, rather than getting bogged down in the rest.

Will try to get more of these entries in regularly, but… you know… no promises.

-M