Tickling the Ivories
So. I did some work on the house, went to some parties, got a piano, and the cats are cute. Good? Good.
…
…
… Fine. I’ll elaborate.
Hard to fathom that the last time I wrote in here was in July. It’s Thanksgiving next week. Time needs to quit doing this or at least pause for a few weeks so I can catch my breath.
It’s been a good period here. Not great. But consistently really good. My health is still slightly wonky, with my eyes being the latest thing to go screwy. Screwier, I guess. Been wearing glasses because, in the first time since I started wearing contacts in MIDDLE SCHOOL, my eyes have been irritated and putting contacts in dries them out further. But that’s not such a big deal, big picture. No more major red flags, health scares, positive tests, or urgent care trips. The ringing in my ears that was there for several years is much less than it was. Energy is moderate, even though I’ve been off the hormone meds for a couple months. I’m… I’m okay. Finding the ability to relax into myself again, finally.
Maybe that’s a part of why I haven’t felt the need to reflect/vent/bitch/moan here so much lately?
After the couple of debaucherous fun weekends, Neuro Vet moved out to Washington State. This wasn’t unexpected, but the time zones and schedules got in the way and things went as they always do - other party deciding they want to make it serious, I’m not able/willing to, things trail off again. The usual. But I knew that was the most likely outcome going into it. We still talk. She’s still a cool chick. Quirky, but in a good way. So indulgent fun, strong connections, and a good friend at the end of it all. That’s a pretty good trajectory for any interaction to take. Line em up.
I’ve actually been doing a lot to try and get back into some semblance of a social life lately and it’s been going… well? Weller than expected? I’m making a point to say yes to things that I’m not necessarily comfortable with and it’s been a really good decision. I hung out with Bruddah for Aloy’s gotchya day party and made some friends there. One invited me to her big 80-100 person Halloween party she hosts annually. In the last few years, that would have been high anxiety for me. A big gathering, I only know two or three people, having to find and commit to a silly costume.. it would have been much easier to recede back into my comfort zone, hang out on the couch, not worry about everything that could go wrong in that social setting. But I didn’t. It sounded fun. I ordered a silly costume, committed to the bit, and had a blast. We were there for some 8 hours, from the start of the party in the early evening to about 2am, and it went in a flash, chatting with people and goofing off with the costumes and playing old-people beer pong (where nobody enforces the drinking that goes with the cups). It was a lot of fun in what felt like a good group of folks.
Then, the following weekend, I was invited out of the blue to another halloween party, this time of an old family friend (originally Shorty’s) and her guy who I know from the old gym I haunted for years. The couple that came to hang out and visit a few years back when Shorty was staying here for a few days. I haven’t seen either of them since that visit and didn’t know anyone else that would be there, but I figured screw it. I’ve already got the costume. Bruddah bailed out on me the day of the party, and I STILL got myself out there, solo, and found a way to have a good time. Until 3 in the morning. It was good, and I’m actually kinda proud of myself for pushing on that front.
What I noticed immediately after the first party was that, even though I got home very VERY late that evening, I was up at a decent hour the next day. Bright eyed and bushy tailed. Got to work on things I needed to do and felt great doing it. That feeling lasted a couple days. A. COUPLE. DAYS. I WENT AND WAS SOCIAL FOR A FEW HOURS AND MET NEW PEOPLE AND THE EXPERIENCE HAD ME FEELING BETTER FOR SEVERAL DAYS HOLY SHIT WHAT WHO EVEN AM I?!?! All these years of imagining myself to be a lone wolf, enjoy things solo, thrive when I’m on my own and doing things my way. I’m sure that’s true to some extent, but I think my happy place is far more in the middle than the extreme end I had been on. Circumstances had pushed me a way and I had convinced myself it was better that way.
No more.
I know it’s probably late for me to be learning this lesson, but I’m happy to have learned it just the same. Now I can work at it. I’ve been lining up things to be doing that will get me out into new places and environments and groups. Just booked a few tickets to southern VA for a Breaking Benjamin acoustic show in January. Haven’t ever really explored Richmond, so Bruddah and I will be making the 3 hour trip and touring the local bars, breweries, restaurants, rebel yell civil war museums okay I don’t know exactly what they have there yet but that’s exactly the point. We’ll head down on a Saturday morning, explore, hit up the show, filter out into some bar for the evening, then crash in hotel rooms and head back the next day. Fun.
I’m also looking ahead to March. I’ve got a pretty big birthday coming up and I want to do something for it. I never do anything for my birthdays, so why not break that pattern too? I think I’m booking a trip out west. I’d really like to wander Colorado, Utah, Wyoming, Washington, etc. Go see that area of the country finally. Not just see it, but rent a car and spend the two weeks moving from town to town for a day or two. Go for a good hike, find a local haunt to hang at for a few hours, and move on again. Kind of my old dream of a cross country bike ride, but in fast motion. Alas, those states are going to be too cold in March, but I think I can have an equally fun time down in the south western states. Still should be plenty of sights to see, hikes to go on, rebel yell civil war mus… ok I don’t know but again. The point. I’ll be working on putting a plan in place sometime in the next few weeks so I can book a few parks and hotels and a flight. Exciting stuff.
I’ve actually been missing the trail this fall. Watching the leaves turn and not being out there, freezing in a tent, has been a let down. I’m watching a lot of rail to trail news stories with the development of other trails across the country eagerly. First, though, I think I’m already jonesing to get out after the GAP and C&O again next October. See if I can’t conquer it once and for all. That’s gonna be in the back of my mind as I work towards fitness goals in the coming year. Likely even going to be setting up my bike on a stationary trainer this winter so I can get a few miles in the saddle BEFORE taking on 300 whatever miles of climbing a loaded bike through the mountains. Will also be helpful if I can drop these 20-30 nagging pounds I’m still carrying around.
Did I say “if”? When. I meant when. Need to stop making it optional and start recognizing it as something I’m doing. I’m DOING it. Health problems be damned.
I was contemplating getting back into piano in early fall. Thinking about having someone come out to tune up the old Baldwin upright and maybe try to fix up the sticking Eb3, some of the wonkiness with the sustain pedal, and a few other gripes I had. Then I got crazy and started thinking ahead to a few years from now. Would I be ready for a baby grand in a few years? Will I have somewhere to put one? Ever since dating Navy chick in high school and playing on the full 7ft black Steinway they had in their living room, I’ve wanted to own a satin black grand piano of my own but it’s just been out of the question. Their Steinway was a $50,000 instrument in year 2000 pre-inflation bucks. Even smaller ones of lesser manufacture are thousands of dollars how can I… but then thousands of dollars isn’t the deterrent it used to be is it? It’s still within the realm of possibility that in a few years I could have 5-10 grand to drop on a nice forever-piano.
So I started poking around on marketplace to see what the used market held. Figuring out what I might want in a few years and how much I should be saving up for it. Yamaha jumped out immediately after my experience with their guitars, speakers, and monitors, but reading up on them I learned they have a bright tone and I’m much more drawn to a richer sound. Young Chang is fine but stirs no excitement in me. Same for Kawaii. Steinway was always the gold standard that I was aware of, but by their pricing everyone else is aware of it too. 10-15 g’s for even the smaller pianos that need some work. Ouch.
Then I came across a local listing. $10000 for a fully rebuilt 1925 Mason & Hamlin Model A. I had never heard of them. I did some digging. Mason & Hamlin is the OTHER american piano manufacturer that’s still doing it alongside Steinway. They went through some company sales in the late 60s/early 70s where ownership changed and the new bosses cut a ton of corners to try and drive up profits, but apparently up to that point they were considered neck and neck as good as the Steinways. Some people even prefer them. The Model A is a 5’8” medium baby grand that’s been made for over 100 years. Intriguing.
I contacted the seller to inquire, not expecting to be able to shell out $10000 on a whim but just to learn a bit more about it and whether the seller refurbishes these often. Maybe in a few years I’d have a contact? Alas, it wasn’t to be. Lady was a bit of an idiot, or at least came across that way. Was more interested in trying to give me a sales pitch than actually communicate. I reset expectations and went back to figuring I’d dig more into these in a few years. Marketplace, however, had other plans. I kept seeing all the new baby grand listings in my area. It kept me poking around, dreaming big. One day I ran a search directly for the Mason & Hamlin name. Up popped a listing outside my area for a 1970 Model A. Located on Long Island. Asking $13000, with the price recently dropped to $1000.
… ah fuck.
What am I supposed to do, ignore it? I reached out to discover the catch. What the scam angle is. How much work it needs. What I got was a very communicative, very helpful lady who was the estate manager for the owner of a 2 million dollar NY home that had just sold and needed to be cleared in the next few weeks. An elderly original owner had passed, nobody in the family still played, and they wanted to find a good home for it before they moved everything out.
… ah fuck. That’s a well played scam angle.
Having done my homework, I knew most older pianos had all sorts of issues. Cracked, dried out soundboards. Pegs that wouldn’t hold a tune. Stuff I really don’t want on my forever piano. You’re supposed to visit a potential piano purchase and bring along a qualified piano technician to inspect it for you. Check for all the things that would make it undesirable. Being in Long Island NY, I wasn’t gonna be able to make it in a day or two. I asked if I could send a proxy technician to inspect it for me. The seller agreed, and I was surprised. What a weird scam they must be running.
I called several piano technicians in NY that day and found one that could go out that Saturday morning for $200. He warned me about all the things I already knew. That most old pianos need a lot of work. That a 1970 M&H was right on the border of when they started making crappier instruments and it may be junk. That M&H isn’t as known as Steinway and so they don’t hold value as well. But he also told me that the good M&H pianos are his favorite, even above the Steinways. That there’s a slim chance it might be a really great piano. I fully expected it to be junk. It’s $1000. Nobody bought it at $13000, it must not be all that great. But the chance that it might be decent felt like it’d be worth taking a $200 flier on.
Through a game of telephone 4 people deep (Owner -> Estate Manager -> Me -> Technician) we finagled the appointment to inspect it. Come Saturday morning I was not only sure that it was going to be junk, I was relieved that it was going to be junk. Trying to make this baby grand fit in my space was going to be… I mean where would I even put one? This wasn’t something I was planning, I just fell into it. Better to wait a few years, save up, make the space, and then find my forever piano. So when the call came in, I was ready to wipe my hands of it, pay the $200, and move on. The tech led with, “So, I just left the house, and… I’m NOT going to tell you not to buy this piano.”
… it took me a few seconds to unravel that sentence… wait. Not going to… not to… wait.
He went on. The soundboard is in great shape. The keys all play beautifully. It’s a little dusty and it’s out of tune, but there’s barely a scratch on it and the worksmanship is superb and everything is working and the bass is deep and warm and the highs ring out like a bell and if I don’t buy it he’s going to buy it and replace the yamaha in his home.
… ah fuck.
I thanked the tech and hung up. The estate manager texted me the direct number of the owner. I took a deep breath. Called. Asked when they needed the movers to be there by.
That weekend, a truck with three guys in it left southern PA, drove up to long island, carried a 1970 Mason & Hamlin Model A out of a 2 million dollar home, drove it to my humble little abode, and set it up in the middle of my music room.
Am. So. In. Love.
Upon finding out that I was actually doing this I went into urgent project mode. Spent days moving things around the music room, rearranging, trying to get a sense of where I could put this thing. Eventually I realized that I really didn’t have room unless the old corner built-in was yanked. That meant pulling it out, painting the brick behind it, rewiring the outlet that fed into it, and lacing in the wood floor that I installed up to it but not under it. It took me all of that week, but I got it done. I even replaced the fan with something more subtle, got rid of the big atom fixture in the corner, and put up a big chandelier over where the piano would be. Making it the focal point of the room. It looks fantastic.
I’ve spent about 60 minutes a day since at this piano and it is magical. The tone is superb. The dynamic ranges are extreme - I can pull out such light gentle notes or hammer into it and rattle the walls in bass. I bought a tuning hammer myself to get it closer to in-tune while it acclimated to my space, then I called in the pros to do it properly. I actually called them back a second time to go over everything. Deep dive. A full day of a piano tech cleaning it out and dusting and checking the action and sanding down the hammers and cleaning oxidation off the strings and… everything they could do short of putting it back on a truck and bringing it to their shop for a full overhaul. Now it looks every bit as good as it sounds and I hit the jackpot with this thing. $200 for the inspection, $1000 for the piano, $1700 for the move, and $1100 for the full piano tech workup. $4000 all in for the forever piano of my dreams. It’s rekindled that magic I used to feel playing music, where I can close my eyes and feel it rather than think about it, and for that alone I’m really grateful that everything fell into place.
Cats have been a real blessing as well as they’ve grown into themselves. Rajah is still a mess, but he’s a super-wide handsome mess and he’s getting more comfortable hanging out in my presence. I’ve been waking up with him between my ankles each morning, and he’s not running away with nearly the same scamperocity that he had previously. Slowly but surely he’s coming around.
Shiva, on the other hand, is so much like Vally it’s honestly a little scary. 75% of the time she’s following me around the house, posting up in my lap or at my feet or just off to the side while I do what I’m doing. She prefers to sleep holding paws. I wake up with her against my face most mornings, and as soon as I stir she starts nuzzling and purring and mewing to help me wake. She still looks a little unsure of things, but hers is a petite brave unsettled presence. She’s not quite sure what I’m doing, but she’s there and she’s watching intently and working to sort it out because she wants to be a part of it. The runt of the litter has become maximum lap cat, and she’s the little friend I had been missing since Vally passed. But one that I’m okay leaving for an evening or two if I need to go somewhere. She’s no Vally replacement, I still miss my soul-pup, but I’m in good paws again and it feels… comforting. Completing.
I would go so far as to say that there’s a real chance the cats are responsible for my eye irritation as well as my suddenly feeling like I’m rebounding back into positive spirits finally. Finally.
… Oh my god finally.
Part of that positivity is being channeled towards less backwards-looking and more future-planning. In my time not posting here I became conscious of that piece of the thing. Posting what’s been going on in my life regularly is, by it’s very nature, reflective. Backwards facing. It’s why I end up here ranting about all the dumb shit I’ve done over the years. All the times I fucked up or made dumb decisions or didn’t realize something until it was too late. All the ways I wished I had acted differently. While there’s a need for that, obviously, I wonder if I hadn’t been way over than line and deep into aggrandizing every little hurdle or speed bump I hit along the way. Or, more realistically, maybe it was a way to vent all the very real difficulties I faced in a very short time, but that venting could quickly become a habit that necessitated having some big menacing threat bearing down on me at all times. Maybe I was building up bad things that were happening just to keep framing life in that way. Ah… no, that doesn’t feel right. Those things were real, some still are, and they are serious. But that doesn’t mean they need to be the focus.
I guess that’s what I’m dancing around here. Bad shit happened. Happens. Will continue to happen. It’s not gonna be a straight line forward. But that doesn’t mean those bad things need to be my focus anymore. I’m out of the constant existential health scares. Out of the deep dog-loss depression. I recognize that I’m more extroverted than I realized and am acting on that, little by little. I’m in a better spot, expressing myself through music again, meeting people again, and generally feeling better.
Winter is gonna be here in a hurry. It’s already dark by mid-afternoon. But so far I’m handling it okay. No medication, just me. And my new support floof. Less reflecting on what’s happened, more planning for what I want to do. Focus for what I’m doing right now. Living in the moment. Working towards my goal. Building my dreams. Following my heart. Live laugh love or some fucking bullshit I don’t know.
Relearning how to be happy. Feels good. Finally.
-M
