Days Gone By

Fer' fuck's sake... where has the time gone?

It’s the middle of July. How is it the middle of July? I just got started on this year. What happened? How old am I? What year is it?

I feel like nothing significant has happened and so the prospect of another nothingburger post isn't all that exciting. But, sometimes, those posts wind up being the ones where I uncover some deep truth or sort out my thoughts in a way I didn't realize I needed so... I guess I'll start typing and see what happens.

Medication really kicked in as of late, and I can feel it. I've been feeling much more myself, pre-bullshit. Energy is slightly up, motivation is slightly up, but the most noticeable change has been the sudden reduction in anxiety. Generalized, social, all of it, it just kinda... things that felt like a major deal before no longer do. I can just up and go out to do things now and it doesn't bother me. Previously it was hard. Harder than I realized until I gained this new perspective on it, I think. There are gonna be how many people? Well what's parking like, am I gonna have to contend with others for limited street parking? What's the weather like, am I gonna burn and risk skin cancer again or wind up drenched in sweat when I'm supposed to be social and engaging? All these stupid little things that were mentally getting in the way of doing what I'd want to do and... it's just suddenly not a big deal anymore. Maybe not all the way back, but much closer to the old me. "Meh, I'll figure it out when I get there". "Cross that bridge when I come to it".

It's really refreshing.

I think the same feeling is transferring over to personal relationships. Specifically of the sexual/romantic variety. I had spent all those years dodging. First dodging anything serious after Ice Queen and Cheer Coach and Connecticut Chick blew up in my face. Hot Mom Across the Street and Blue Eyes and DD. It felt like each went so wrong and took a little more of the me I was happy with away until I wasn't left with enough to share. Then I started hiding away almost completely, feeling like I needed to recharge and find myself again before I even had anything to give. Then I got this chemical imbalance sorted out and... sure, yeah, other people are alright. Sounds fun. Let’s see where that goes.

Where has that been the last 5-10 years?

When I last posted Neuro Vet had made the suggestion of an actual cabin location to meet up at, and I jumped at it, figuring sure! Why not? Will be fun to explore a new place and have someone to do it with. Been awhile. Then I discovered she was up for exploring... more than just new places. I went. It was a lot of fun. Decently long drive out, few days and nights in a cabin, and a lot of extracurriculars. Half a hundred shades of gray or so. And it was... really nice? Like, fun? Like all that stress and worry about how it might go wrong or what piece of me was gonna end up ripped away this time, they all just... weren't there. Enjoying myself because willing partner with a tight athletic little shape and I need that sometimes. Why was that so hard to tap into before?

Partly, time. Probably. Also partly the previous chemical imbalance. I'm almost certain.

Neuro actually hopped a plane since then and visited for an extended weekend. Round 2. Quirky, a little awkward at times, but well meaning and eager and open minded and an impressive waist to hip ratio. Jackpot. She's landed a pretty coveted job cross country and will be traveling that way within a week or two. Not really sure where the thing goes in the future, what the endgame or exit strategy can be, but the lack of anxiety makes that much less important right now. Enjoying now. Will cross that bridge when I get to it.

The Dirtbabies are growing. They aren't full grown cats yet, but they are certainly not kittens anymore either. Rajah is still a mess. He has learned that I'm the one who gives treats sometimes, and so he will cautiously approach during designated treat-giving times. He'll also hop up when Shiva and I are cuddling and do his best to interact and even let me pet him sometimes. Legs tucked under rather than keeping on his feet in a ready-to-escape position. Squinty eyes. Light purrs. But otherwise, if I'm standing and moving around, he's under a bed or around a corner. If I'm walking even remotely in his direction, he scurries off. Since my shredded hand when I attempted to corral him into a carrier for his vet visit I have not even tried to pick him up and he has not given me any reason to think it would go differently, so I've just never picked him up. I've got this handsome little semi-feral running around the house and eating my food and... well that's just what it is. Nothing really to be done about it now. Just continue to let him warm up at his own, glacial pace. Sooner or later, though, he's gonna need to go in for that neuter. I'm gonna have to gabapentin the SHIT outta that guy.

Shiva is, essentially, the opposite. She hangs with her brother all night, but as soon as I start to stir or my alarm goes on she hops up to the bed and collapses onto my chest. Purring and pawing and nuzzling. She's learned my tone when I start asking if she wants breakfast, and will perk her ears and stretch and hop down to wait for me to get ready for the day. She rubs against my ankles as I pull on jeans, stands outside the bathroom as I pee and put in my contacts, and then leads me down the stairs to get her breakfast, checking to make sure I'm following at the top of the stairs, bottom of the stairs, and at her food bowl. When I set her food bowl on the counter and walk towards the pantry shelf for the friskies cans, I know I have to give the counter a wide berth because she's going to come passing me at full speed and stop right in front of the pantry. She's also learned that she wont get any of my food begging for it as I eat, but if she sits all tall and regal at the top of her cat tree in the kitchen while I'm eating I'll come over and give her a tiny nibble once I'm done eating. 

It's freaking adorable. The way she's already locked onto me and we've accidentally developed this routine together. This little wild animal, born under my shed to a feral mama, has me completely figured out and it cracks me up to watch her do it. Moreso, while she will certainly turn it on for food or treats, there are other times when I assume she's just hungry and then she ignores the food and comes to curl up with me. So, not just manipulation. Genuinely some connection there. And also manipulation. 

As much as I've grown to like Shiva, I'm happy to say that I've avoided the same clingy codependency that Vally and I had with each other. For the cabin weekend, I had Bruddah pop in once halfway through my trip to clean litter and top off food. At the recent family reunion I just left them with a big bowl of water and a gravity feeder. No worries, no stress over it. They were fine. They have each other. And they're cats. Even with as locked in as little Sheeves can get, she's still a cat. That added freedom leaves a lot of doors open for me. I need that.

Family reunion! Mom had organized a big one down in VA. Big enough that I had to rent out an AirBnB for two nights because all her rooms were taken. 45 some odd people coming in from all over the country, several drove 10+ hours to be there, it was big. And... it went okay? I don't feel like the center of everyone's attention in that group, the inner circle of people that tend to make plans and head out for drinks after the scheduled family drinks, and I'm totally alright with that. Both because I wasn't drinking anyway AND because I don't need it to be about me. Had good conversations with a lot of people I hadn't seen in awhile and otherwise supported the group by being there. That's enough.

I did manage to catch some sort of cold there that knocked me for a loop last week. Felt a scratch in my throat on monday afternoon, and by Tuesday morning I knew something was up. Called out sick for the first time in a couple years. Wound up not being able to come back in until this week. Low grade fever for a couple days. Proper sick.

The cost of being part of a family, I guess?

Projects I’ve mostly been keeping low to minimal, but a few have crept up. Ripped up the carpet to the basement stairs and installed treads to match the flooring. Another first time project for me. I still need to install skirtboards, but it already looks much better. One of those projects that spilled into the surrounding rooms with tools and sawdust and such, so I wound up obsessing over it for a week or two until it was done. Had to essentially rebuild supports for the stairs because it was so haphazard originally, but I got it done.

I yanked everything out of the storage room, sold what I could, threw away a bunch, and organized the rest. Over the winter it had reached a point where I couldn’t walk into the room, sort of had to wade through a waist-chest height pile of crap. Much better now. I finally embraced the fact that I don’t need to hang onto things that I might one day use. These days I can afford to toss things with no near-future applications and just rebuy them later if I need to. It’s freeing. And for sure helps with organization.

Little things like that. I’m doing my best to let these sorts of things go. Like the skirtboard on the stairs or the plank ceiling I want to put in that storage room. Would they be nice? Sure. Fun? Maybe. But would they take time away from the things I do to relax and introduce added stress into my life? Absolutely they would, and I don’t need that. So, little projects can wait.

My focus right now is on reestablishing the idea that I can and should do things for the enjoyment. And that it’s okay to do so. Not a splurge or indulgence that I need to atone for later, but a part of life I need to find again. For example, I’ve started up on my weightlifting routine again. But, instead of trying to keep hammering away at the same full body, three day a week routine that I had been doing before, I’ve switched to a 5 day a week body part split. Allows me more variety and focus on individual muscles, something I’ve always enjoyed. Last week I got 4 of the 5 days. And ya know what? That’s pretty good. No big deal. No panic bells or alarms raised. No guilt or feelings of failure. 4 days a week is a lot. This week I’ll get 5. Probably. If not, I’ll just keep after it until that habit is there.

In short, my mindset has been consistency over intensity and enjoyment over efficiency. It was becoming more and more clear that I had wiped the fun out of fitness by trying to be so perfect about it and putting so much pressure on myself to get back to some hypothetical “me” I was aiming for. But that me that I’ve been defining by weight or bodyfat % or the amount I could bench or the number of miles I could run, I think the ACTUAL defining characteristics were more about the ability to let things roll off my back. Keep trying even after misses without it feeling like outright failure. That I genuinely enjoyed spending my time working towards those goals and found ways to keep it fresh and fun. THAT’S the me I should have been chasing all this time. And so it’s where I’m putting my energy now. Drop the expectations and the pressure that comes with it. Rediscover why I loved doing this in the first place and hammer on that. Intensity and results will come eventually, on some level or another.

Ok, I’m sure that’s enough for now. This still feels like a nothing post but I’m just gonna get it up to break the dry spell and maybe in a week or so it’ll be time to expound on one or two of these individual trains of thought.

Still here. Still alive. Still getting after the proverbial “it”. Learning to enjoy life again. Starting with chin scritches.

-M