Il Invierno Buono

So. We still doing this thing orrrrrr…

Another few months have disappeared in a flash. Winter months. The Danger Zone. Physically, I’m a mess. Came down with a flu in early January, several days of 103.7 degree fever, which led to bronchitis which opened me up to a cold which, as I type this now, has grown into a full fledged thyroid infection flare up. T levels had dropped off a cliff again, and I feel a little bit like I’m being dragged behind a bus.

But you know what? Mentally, I’m actually still in a really good spot. Continuing to enjoy life more and more. Isn’t that weird? After all these years of assuming that happiness lies at the end of the physical goals, it’s taken rock bottom physically to prove to me that they don’t have to be one in the same. They’re linked, for sure, but it IS possible to have one even when the other is struggling.

So let’s not focus on that shit. Let’s focus on the good shit.

I hosted another main Christmas event. Right in line with mental health finally coming around, it was…. easier. Not easy, and not without any stress, but there was definitely a sense of “eh, whatever, it’ll be fine” as the event approached. Previous years I was literally renovating the house trying to make everything perfect. This year I just kind of figured that, meh, they’re family. They don’t really care that much. It’s not the house or the special xmas napkins or the perfect xmas lights on the house they’re here for. So I let that shit go. And? It went fine. Good turnout. Nothing super noteworthy, but everyone seemed to enjoy it and I didn’t kill myself in the lead up.

Also, the house WAS decorated pretty damn well. So.

At some point just before Xmas I had spontaneously joined Bruddah to a concert downtown. Apparently he had some connection to a tiny local metalcore type band, and they were blasting eardrums at a brewery on main street. In something that’s becoming a pattern, he started looking for friends of his that we were apparently meeting up with when we were there Ended up at a table of three girls and us and chatted for awhile. Eventually the decision was made to head out to another bar, then another, then we ubered to one of their houses to play pool and chill some more. At 3:30am I finally called an uber to the little Waffle House 15 minutes from home in which I found myself and got out of there. The following weekend we were all out again, then back to my place to hang out. Have been out a few more times since. So like, local friend group kinda? Do people still do that?

Actually, maybe not. The girl doing most of the organization came to me looking for help talking her out of a suicidal episode, then immediately after I talked her off the ledge asked if I was interested in a relationship. After I declined, she asked if I would be interested in a dom/sub FWB type arrangement. After I declined again, things got a little weird. So like… ok maybe not the rock solid frends group I might like, but it’s a start anyway. I’m still capable of these things. Proof of concept.

Bruddah and I also made a trip down to Richmond to wander for a couple days and hit up a Breaking Benjamin show. The show was… well it was kinda bad if I’m honest with myself. Ben had no voice and so really relied on the other band members and the crowd to carry the vocals, but then simultaneously wouldn’t stop hitting the vape? Felt pretty amateur bullshit didn’t really give a fuck. But whatever. It was a reason to explore a new city.

We hit a several hour walk around some parks the next day. A few city art pieces scattered around were cool.

Was a surprisingly glorious day for late January, so that made the bridges over the lake even more satisfying.

The rest of the time was really spent heading from brewery to brewery. Once again, Bruddah apparently had some concert festival friends that he had decided we’d meet up with without my knowing about it, so we wound up spending most of the following evening with them and their kid, but they were good people and the breweries were a cool scene. The city as a whole felt pretty subdued, perhaps a little depressed, but the brew scene was hopping anyway.

I’ve been doing some pondering about why the surprise friend join up has been bothering me. On one hand, it feels like it shouldn’t. We’re out and about in public social gathering spots, why do I care if some friends of my friend show up to hang out? It should be a good thing to have them there, right? Am I being ridiculous?

My dad did this all the time. Would invite me out to dinner, and as I’d walk into the restaurant he’d be at a table with, like, an elderly couple from church that he had taken to and I’d have to sit there and pretend like I knew them or cared about their stories at all. I had felt, at the time, that I just wasn’t that social of a person and having to go from one-on-one mode to group-chat mode suddenly recontextualized the whole event.

While that may be part of it, I’m more inclined now to believe that it’s something else entirely. Namely, narcissism. Egocentrism? Whichever ism better describes the state of feeling like the event and the experience is yours and everyone else is there around you. When I ask someone if they want to head out to dinner, those become our plans in my mind. If I’m going to change them, well I should probably consult the other person shouldn’t I? Especially if the other person doesn’t know the people I’m bringing along. To not do so is to do whatever I feel like to organize these plans the way I want them, and not to consider the person I’m there with. It’s selfish. And inconsiderate. So even if the end result is fine, ie the people were good and we all had a good time, it doesn’t erase the underlying bullshit way of interacting that led to it.

I guess that’s probably a part of why Bruddah and I haven’t really caught up since. A few one off texts here and there, but generally incognito. And that’s fine. A break when that sort of stuff starts bugging me is better than blowing up over it. Though…

… ok, bit of an aside - Lawyer friend and her bestie, who happens to be Bruddah’s cousin, invited me out one evening to drinks with a group and, as I was there, to Cousin’s super bowl party. Bruddah and I had been to this before, and I assumed that he’d be there as well. I accepted the invite, showed up that evening, and… no bruddah. I found out later that that side of the family has joined the other parts that don’t talk to Bruddah anymore these days. On top of all that, this is the cousin that was setting off my “she likes me” radar a year or two ago. Judging from how many times she touched my arm at the bar and how she pressed her cheek against mine for a much-long-than-needed hug, I’d say that particular theory was finally confirmed.

Why are people so fuckin awkward?

I do hope Bruddah sorts it out. I know what a good guy he can be beneath all the recently adopted baggage and egocentrism and anger at every little thing. But I also know that angry, narcissistic, uneven people can be toxic to my own happiness, and I’m not willing to go down with any particular ship trying to save someone who doesn’t respond to texts. So… hopefully it’s just a rough patch and he’ll come back around soon. I invited him to an upcoming Electric Callboy show and paid for most of his ticket. We’ll work it out. Hopefully soon.

I’ve discovered that, stay with me on this one, Mondays don’t have to suck. You heard me right. It is possible.

I wound up showing up for old choir director’s local community singers rehearsal group. The first practice, of course, happened to be the day after my 104ish degree fever broke, and I was hacking up all of the lungs still, but I was so gung-ho about the idea of a community singing group unaffiliated with any religion that I showed up anyway just to support. It was, and is…. silly. Perhaps a little campy. She has this whole warm up routine we do to a Jason Mraz song that involves choreographed stretching and group greetings and all the shit that gives me the cringe pretty bad. And yet… I really like the group as a whole. It’s a ridiculous mishmash of all demographics, and the vibe has been really positive. Slowly I’m starting to learn names and get to know people in exactly that way that has been missing for so long. Organically. Not with any purpose or self interest in mind, but just because we’re two people in a place with a common goal and a shared interest. It’s refreshing, and I feel myself slowly building the breath support to sing correctly again too.

Of course, it doesn’t hurt that the director took to calling me “Handsome” from the first practice onward, and I’m the only 30 something guy there. Lot of female music teachers in that age range up in the soprano section. Not making any moves or counting any chickens, but I’m certainly paying attention.

The second week of rehearsal I was in the office beforehand, much closer to the rehearsal than home, which meant I had 3 hours to fill between work and sangin’. I wound up heading out to the old bikepath, my happy place, for a 45 minute stroll before wandering over to the small bar at a local restaurant in town. Was a pretty quiet evening, a lot of time to myself, but I wound up really vibing with the bartender. We chatted for most of the evening before I went out to practice. A really nice evening. So nice, I did the same thing the following week. And the week after that. The woods ground me. Bartender and I are on first name basis, she knows to bring me a hot tea along with the check, and she’s got that bubbly fun personality I love to interact with. It’s a great vibe.

The second week on this routine, the bar was uncharacteristically busy. I was in my own little world sitting there for awhile, and barely noticed the curly haired brunette sit down next to me. When Bartender came over to chat a bit, I mentioned something about the rehearsal, and curly haired brunette chimed in. Turning finally, I realized it’s the alto from rehearsal. One I had originally noticed for looking a lot like my middle school music teacher did way back when. Bartender wandered off and alto and I kept chatting. Quickly I realized, oh… it IS my music teacher from way back when. She just looks… exactly the same. Somehow.

We wound up chatting for an hour as she sipped her wine and I finished my dinner. Was another fun little social interaction that I’ve managed to open myself up to. One more person I know in the group. Then, the following week at rehearsal, she asked if I was back at the bar again beforehand. I said I was. Last week, about an hour before rehearsal, she walked into the bar and sat down next to me again. Another hour of chatting and joking around and sharing stories and…

… no. No I’m not willing to entertain the hunch. My “she’s into me” barometer is just off. That one is too weird. But when you have a nagging suspicion, it’s tough to shake the feeling…

Probably nothing. I’m not gonna dwell on it. Going about my business, learning to be social, no expectations or goals outside of positive interactions. Let that shit go.

Besides. I’ve got my hands full already. You won’t BELIEVE who reached out again after yet another several years disappearance…

… shameless cliffhanger…

As far as winter’s go, this has been a good one. Reappearing girl, cat updates, detached garage plans, and my sudden interest in learning Italian to follow.

-M