A Laundry List of No Consequence

One day I’m going to show up here when I feel great and everything is going my way. Then I’ll talk everything up and crow about the virtues of the universe and life and people and…

But today is not that day.

I really shouldn’t pretend like things are terrible. They’re not terrible. It’s been a decent couple of weeks. Just kinda having an off day or two and so of course that’s when I feel like ranting into the void. Maybe I can make some sense of things. Or at least shoehorn in some sort of moral takeaway from it like I tend to do. A down couple of days feels better when you can point to a lesson learned from it.

So what the hell been up? Uhhhhhh…

FB is MIA again. I’ve gotten a couple smiles and waves from her car as she’s driven by my sidewalk-cruising self, but haven’t bumped into her and no text. Kinda rude a little bit, really. I knocked on her door expecting a no, but a yes followed by crickets is a little shit. Won’t judge too hard, though. She didn’t ask to be put on the spot like that, she must be really uncomfortable about it. About what? Well, either telling me that she’s seeing someone, or telling me that she’s not interested, or opening up like that again after her marriage apparently ended badly, or maybe even just going out. Doesn’t really matter, all the same in the end. I’m still shocked at how much better it feels to bomb out than to keep wondering. Note to self - just fuckin go for it man who cares really I mean lighten up. Fuck.

I’m winding up to keep working on the channel again. C’s rough couple of weeks have closed down and he’s actively starting to promote things - I guess his way of contributing when he doesn’t seem to have the attention span to dedicate hours and hours to editing. It’s not at all an equal time trade-off, but I don’t mind the effort. Kinda fun, in a way. Just don’t want to be the only one pushing forward on it. He requested an image of our three character avatars to use on social media and I created that plus I made a pretty sweet animated gif of it. Episode 4 editing starts. Gonna be a slog, because the footage we have is about 2 hours of boring nothing. We had been in VR some 3-4 hours at this point, and we’re mostly just lost trying to find our way home. No idea how I’m gonna make that pseudo-fun to watch, but I’ll give it a go. Then I might branch out into another game we’ve done, just for the sake of not being a Minecraft channel forever.

Fitness goals continue at a steady but slow pace. I still haven’t bounced back from my January explosiathon. Blowing up two weeks after Vally passed with what felt like new injuries, putting on some 15-20 pounds in what seemed like a flash, seems to be tougher than usual to reverse. But I’m making progress, however slow, and the muscle is coming back properly. Just need to figure out how to kick the weight around my middle. Honestly, I think it’s probably better than I’m feeling right now but a big part of my feeling down these last few days is feeling suddenly heavy for some reason so maybe it’s nothing and tomorrow will be much better again. The real beauty of this is I’ve settled into the mindset that this is just my routine again and not some balls-to-the-wall kick I’m on to try and make a big push at something. I’m betting I turn a corner here in the next few weeks.

To that end, I’m thinking I’ll start up the outdoor cardio again tomorrow. It felt great last year to be running again, and I bet throwing a hoodie on in this heat and sweating out 3-4 slow miles will do wonders for how I feel. I also am getting ready to cancel the meal plan I’ve been on for over a year now. As convenient and delicious as it’s been, I’m feeling the urge to get back into meal prep and planning again. Simple meals sound appealing right now.

In my feeling somewhat lonely here lately I actually got around to sitting on those awesome recliners and playing a game and it was pretty damn nice. Mass Effect Andromeda is nowhere near as good as the original trilogy, but once I got past the boring as all hell first act it opened up and regained some of that Bioware magic. Though Liam may be the single most dull squad character in all of Bioware history and Gil was so flat he almost managed to hurt my opinion of the gay community as a whole. Thank god Peebee and Drack were there to hold my interest. I’m moving on to Assassin’s Creed Valhalla and it’s got a much stronger start to it. It is noticeably easier to get lost in screen time when Vally isn’t here to pet. Trying to work a controller with one hand while the other gives pets was never an easy way to go. Not really a net positive still, but I’ll likely finally get some games finished.

I do sort of regret buying four recliner seats. The sense of loneliness is not helped sitting by myself in one of four luxury recliners in a baller theater room. Like a jacked Scrooge McDuck swimming through his vault of gold coins alone. Only like… more self-aware? Because he was kinda loving life wasn’t he?

Under even the slightest scrutiny this analogy didn’t hold up at all, huh?

I got my harp! A guy up by Pittsburg had a midlevel Harpsicle for sale on marketplace and was willing to meet me almost halfway for it. So a couple weekends ago I got in the car, turned on some Malcolm Gladwell podcasts I had missed by not having a commute, and drove four and a half hours round trip. Worth it, in the end. The harp is beautiful, has enough sharping levers to play in some 6 keys, and should hold up over the years. I’m utter garbage right now, but I do think all the talk of harp being one of the most difficult instruments seems overblown. The strings are just laid out like a piano without any sharps or flats, and C’s and F’s are marked. For sure there’s some muscle memory to be gained in order to pluck chords accurately or cruise up and down the octaves, but I had a decent little beginner’s version of Oh Danny Boy going after a day or two. Honestly, even the super simple beginner’s version is gorgeous. Goosebump inducing. Who knows how long I’ll stick with heavy practice on this one, but it’ll be a fun little addition to the instrument collection and look great on the wall when I’m not playing.

I finally broke down and ordered that insultingly overpriced Pso-rite thing. It’s a molded piece of plastic for nearly $100 that is shaped in a way to basically work it’s way up into your guts to massage out the psoas. That damn psoas tightness that I had postulated has been kicking my ass for months. I finally received it yesterday and… god damnit I think it works. I wanted SO BADLY to tell them to fuck off with their $100 piece of molded plastic, but I woke up with the knot in my back and gutted myself on that thing for a couple minutes and all the tightness went away. For a couple hours at least. So I think this confirms it - it has indeed been the psoas that’s been getting me, and those motherfuckers get to keep my $100.

Bastards.

Still, I’ll be happy to have a way to get some relief when needed. And hopefully all the proper fitnessing and nutritioning will come to my rescue long term. I’ll keep the plastic. But I’ll definitely be cursing them under my breath.

I made it into the office a couple of Fridays in a row and… it’s weird. It’s weird being back. But also not weird at all? Like, I had gone in almost every weekday for 14 years, so it feels very much second nature. But at the same time, completely alien after 15 months of staying home? Bizarre. It’s nice being out of the house a bit, though, even if it is work. Not in a house by myself anyway. Bossman is still pissed off at everything and seems to be seriously contemplating making an exit at the end of this year. After 13 years of working together, that’ll be pretty weird too. Not sure how high my stock goes if he makes the move, but I imagine it goes up. Again. Will have to see how that all shakes out.

Remember how the raspberries took over the garden last year? This year it’s the strawberries’ turn. I’ve been gathering some two pints every day for the last week and they’ve only slowed down for the two cold rainy days we had recently. Right back into producing again. I’ve been giving away berries to neighbors and family and I still have too many. It may get old soon, but the novelty of walking out into the backyard and collecting my morning fruit is still pretty rad. And the raspberries are starting to green up as well. That was sure worth the $20 I spent two years ago on berry plants. Neighbors asked me what my secret was to getting the plants to produce such beautiful berries. I thought for a moment before giving them the most honest answer I could come up with.

“Neglect.”

Another dogsitting weekend ahead. Aloy should be here Saturday through Sunday. I’m stoked to have a walking buddy again, but also a little apprehensive about having a creature to look after those days. Part of me wants to say that it’s funny how fast we grow out of habits, but in reality this is likely more just the fact that Aloy is still a puppy and prone to chewing on remotes. I need to be on top of things when she’s here. A little more stressful than the steady old gal I’m used to. But dog energy is best energy and I’m hoping for nice enough weather to go for some extra hikes. Maybe I’ll bring a book down to the lake and see whether big pups is capable of hanging out with me for any length of time.

I mean… probably not. But maybe?

I think I’ve settled on a final tattoo idea. Or at least, final until a better one pops into my gigantic noggin. I want to go forward with the paw prints on my chest and shoulder, where they were when Vally would jump up and lick my face. That leaves the collar and tag for my forearm. I like this idea, the forearm is visible and it has meaning and doing the collar all the way around seems to get into circle -> forever/eternity metaphors. But I was also torn, because from a distance this could easily resemble some douchey tribal armband. So I think what I want to do is have the collar fade in and fade out. On the outside of my forearm would be nothing. The collar would fade in starting at the side of my forearm and be a realistic looking representation by the time it’s on my inner forearm. There would be the buckle and Vally’s heart tag hanging off. Continuing around the collar would get to the other side and start to fade out again. Aesthetically, it dodges the tribal armband trap. Metaphorically, it mirrors the idea that things aren’t forever while still implying that they go on anyway. A broken circle, fading in and out while still clearly representing the complete loop. The same way Vally faded in and out of my life while still in a way staying with me forever.

I don’t know if I’m describing that well, but I’m managing to do it with only somewhat watery eyes, not a full cry, so progress? Whatever, I think my point is made. I’ll keep pondering possibilities, but I really like what the fading collar would represent.

Zoinks. I guess a lot of things HAVE been happening after all. I’m leaving some stuff out, but that’s okay. Motivation to get back on here again soon. Maybe next entry will have some deeper insights into this stuff instead of just a whirlwind tour of what’s been happening. But either way, when I list it all out like this it really does feel like things are generally on the up and up for me and I’m just having an off couple of days. I’ll go for my ultra-sweaty jog tomorrow, looking like I’m trying to make weight (coach is totally gonna ream me out if I don’t make weight), and that’ll likely make me feel lighter and happier and everything will seem right again.

I also think that, more and more, I’m feeling the need to reach out in an attempt to meet new people again. It’s been a long time since that’s felt important. I’m sure a lot of that is being stuck at home alone for so long, and an even bigger part of that is not having Vally here with me, but whatever it is I’m sure it’ll be a healthy endeavor for me. I’m going to suck at it, and there will likely be plenty more FB type confusion on the horizon, but I’m ready and willing to suck at it. That alone is big progress for me.

Deeper thoughts next time.

Maybe.

-M