Shoot your Shot
Just a quick note of getting this off my chest.
Ran into fit brunette two days ago. Hadn't seen her since the purported boyfriend military sign was up in the yard. Hadn't seen the other car or the sign up in months either. But still, I didn't really expect much. Smiled and said hi.
She launched into full-on smiley update mode telling me about her last 3 months in a decent degree of detail. Asked all about mine. Laughed at all my jokes. Her German Shepherd came over and sat on my foot, which I'm told is about a 5-6 people in the world honor. We talked for 30 minutes again before we had to keep walking, and she was still calling out updates as we were walking in opposite directions.
Huh.
Yesterday I ran into her again. I was walking my magical mystery guitar down to the quiet park bench I've been playing and heard my name called out. Looked up to find FB waving and smiling from her porch, where a couple people were gathered. I crossed the street to say hi and she got up and walked over to meet me, leaving the group behind us in the process. We talked for 45 minutes, the group eventually coming up to where we were until we all departed.
Huh.
Both days, I felt better after talking to her. More confident, funnier, and generally like I'm not the total wreck that I've been feeling like lately. I found myself hoping to run into her again today.
I didn't.
So I forced it.
On my way back from post-workout walk I found myself taking a hard left up her sidewalk, which I instantly recognized as the point of no return. At that point the adrenaline was pumping and I went into that fight or flight, borderline astral-projection state. But I did it. I knocked on the door. Old doggo barking. Here we go.
I fully expected her to tell me she had a boyfriend. Or that she wasn't dating right now. Hell, am I even dating right now? Is this even a date I'm asking her on? She opened the door and looked perplexed, saying hi, asking what I was doing there. I said something to the effect of “hey, so I didn't want to put you on the spot in front of your friends yesterday, but I wanted to ask if you'd like to join me at that farm brewery we discussed before the cicadas come out en masse”. And I'm pretty sure I did it as confidently as a wreck of a guy can do something like that. Held eye contact for most of it without hitting creepy, didn't waiver, firm but friendly tone. It was a solid effort from someone who hasn't put themselves out there like that in years.
And?!?!… I have no idea what her response was.
Pained? Conflicted? Nervous? Her eyes were darting around for something to latch onto. She was nervously flipping her phone in her hands and I could see they were trembling a bit. She “umm”'d and “I'm trying to think”d so long that I started feeling bad for her and tried to offer her an easy out.
“Hey, it's okay. No is an acceptable answer if you're busy or not interested” I tried. But the lifeline was rejected.
“No! It'll be fun!” she said, in a tone so conflicted that the words were almost meaningless. She said something about how busy she is this weekend, but maybe some other weekend? “Trying to think of dates… geez I don't know is it like the 27th geez I don't really know it's just that…”
I tried to help. “Well, there's no rush, you want to think about it and let me know?”
She agreed. I, of course, hadn't brought my phone on the walk (should have planned ahead) but I asked her to take my number and throw me a text. She agreed. She asked for it. She struggled to type it in. She looked genuinely flustered. Her hands were still trembling.
At this point, I was trying to get myself off her front porch. Clearly there's something else happening - this is not a no but it's not an easy happy yes either and I didn't mean to mess up the poor girl's evening. But she started asking about me. How was guitar playing at the park? How was my first day back at the office? On and on.
I eventually excused myself to go get dinner, and it wasn't a lie to say I was hungry. She said ok, and “maybe I'll see you around this weekend”. And I walked off.
It's now 45 minutes later, and she hasn't texted me. I still don't have her number.
What.
What.
What?!?
You know, part of the reason I think I felt okay even doing this was because, even if I get rejected or find out she has a boyfriend, at least I know and I can assume friend zone posture. It was to be comfort in at least getting a feel for where I stand, even if that answer wasn’t what I would prefer. But either would be fine - friendly talks are good too. So long as I know.
But I still don't know. As confused as ever.
But another thought had hit me during my workout. It was last summer that, after months of wondering if I'd get a chance to talk up the gorgeous fit brunette that had moved in with her dog, I finally got that chance. Remember how it happened? What sparked that initial interaction?
It was Vally. The first time she laid down on a walk, came up short, showed me that she wasn't feeling well, was in front of fit brunette's house as FB was getting out of her car. It caused FB to ask if she was ok, and the conversation went from there.
I know it's way too early to have thoughts like this. That girl’s reaction realistically could have been trying SO hard not to gag as she realized I was asking her out. But even so, just letting the thoughts get way out in front of reality for a second… what if Vally, in the beginning of her end, set me up in a position with someone who may ultimately mean something to me, be that close friend or possibly more? What if, in the act of her starting to fade away, she pushed me in a direction that might help me get through without her?
Fuck. I'm crying again.
I may never get that text, but at least I shot my shot. That was ballsy, and the sort of risk I need to learn to take. The outcome is a waiting game now. Ball is in FB's court. But whatever happens, I'm gonna go get that tattoo feeling like Vally was still looking after me even as her heart started to fail her.
Thanks, little wolf. Again and still and always.
-M
