Moment of Clarity

You know what? This is going to sound weird, and probably going to feel even weirder to say, but… I'm proud of me.

Sure, I mess up. I do dumb things when I should have known better and I miss perspectives that I probably should have picked up on sooner. I'm painfully slow to recover from bad experiences, once bitten THRICE shy, and it's so hard for me to put myself out there for things that I'm not already confident about doing. By no means is any of this meant to imply that I'm comfortable resting on my laurels.

But, in spite of all of that, I'm proud of me.

I'm proud of my independence. Though I would love to have a better support system in place, circumstances are that I've had basically nobody to lean on for years and I keep going anyway. Self motivated way beyond the norm.

I'm proud of my constant curiosity. When I see something I want to know about or get better at, I go at it. I read, I watch YouTube videos, I make a plan, and I start. Woodworking? Sure. Harp? Why not. Carpentry? BDSM? Intermittent fasting? Video editing and content creation? Talkboxes? Car electronics? Plumbing? Doesn't matter if I don't know, I'll find out and I'll try.

I'm proud of my ego, or lack thereof. I'm self aware to the bitter end, and even when I'm feeling myself I never get so caught up that I lose perspective or a sense of humility.

I'm proud of my ability to pick up new things. Rarely if ever do I come across a skill that I can't build at least a passable level of competence in very little time.

I'm proud of my wit. Even when I'm feeling down or hurt or dejected, I can almost always toss out a one line zinger to get the person I'm passing on the sidewalk to smile.

I'm proud of my patience and my work ethic. When I set out to accomplish something I'm ready and able to put in a lot of work consistently to achieve. Not just ready and able, but I think I actually prefer it to quick fixes. I find the continued hard work gratifying.

I'm proud of my empathy. I naturally put myself in the shoes of people around me in an effort to better understand them and what they're feeling. That allows me to much better relate to others.

I'm proud of my quirks. My super deliberate mannerisms, half smirks, and over the top use (bastardization?) of the language is uniquely me, and I'm so glad that i’m able to embrace them instead of trying to fall into social norms.

I'm proud of my emotional awareness and openness. Having neighbors ask about Vally and being comfortable enough with myself to get choked up in front of them without feeling shame says a lot about how far I've come in my efforts to get past toxic masculinity to just being human. I don't shy away from feelings and I think that's admirable.

I'm proud of my career. I've gone from an unmoored college dropout intern to a decision maker and leader in the company. I've worked hard for some 5-6 promotions over the last 13 years, making roughly four times what I started at and putting myself into a position to help steer the organization strategically.

I'm proud of my house. Countless hours spent busting my butt to get everything configured, wired, and designed just the way I like and it's become a luxury oasis customized down to the last detail.

I'm proud of my consistency. I have, for years, stuck to my principles and lived up to or near my own standards. Never any issues with the law, substances, holding down jobs, making it to appointments, or staying true to my word. Steady progress. No major self-inflicted setbacks.

I'm proud of my courage. Even when things feel like they are too much for me, I've been able to motivate myself through the fear to do what needs to be done. Almost always on my own. Walking in the door of the dermatologist knowing he's about to cut out a chunk of my scalp? Getting myself to make the dentist appointment I was dreading? Getting up and giving the speech in front of my new department plus managers? Putting my first attempts at edited videos online for all to judge? Walking in to hold Vally for the last time? I do what needs to be done, even when I'm not comfortable with it.

I'm proud of my insight. Even without experience in a subject, I'm able to process information quickly enough to pick up what I need to know and draw conclusions about related concepts. Oftentimes quickly enough to be able to contribute in real time.

I'm proud of my compassion. I once spent my lunch break outside massaging a coworker’s Italian dressing into a mouse's fur to help free it from a glue trap that was under the snack machine. A few weeks ago I spent a fair bit of time chatting with and supporting some teen in the park that was struggling with the fallout of his decision to report his crush when she was threatening suicide. Every day now I line my fences with garden strawberries for the birds and squirrels. I look for ways to help those around me and I make the effort when I find them.

I'm proud of my biceps. I mean, look at them thangs. Dayum.

More than anything right now, I'm proud of my resilience. I have been through SO much in the last 20 months, more than I ever expected I would have to deal with. I've been socially cast aside, physically broken, cognitively impaired, and emotionally devastated and I have yet to stop striving. It's been a hell of a struggle, sure, full of steps forward and steps back, but that only makes me more proud of the fact that I have yet to give up on myself. I don't know how many people could come out the other side of this with a sense of humor and any sort of optimism, but here I am. Doing it. To the best of my ability each day.

I spend so much time reflecting on and enumerating the things I'm struggling with that I rarely get a chance to think about what I'm doing right. The good qualities I've been exhibiting, even when circumstances are far less than I'd hope for. Hell, i’ve had to repeatedly delete sections of this very post that were nothing but hedging and qualifying these positives. As if I need to somehow diminish them to justify acknowledging them. But ultimately, even with all the things I fall short on and still have to work towards, I've accomplished and become so much more than I usually give myself credit for.

And in the spirit of continued efforts, accomplishments, and progression - today I drove out to the most promising CrossFit box in town and signed up to get started. Taking the first steps to putting myself out there in pursuit of getting past the injury issues that have been holding up my fitness progress as well as of a group of like-minded peers in the area. Two goals I've really needed to work on. I've been wanting to give it an official try ever since the methodologies worked so well for me 8 years ago, and now is the time.

Here's to positive thinking, humility in the face of new experiences, reaching out to new friends, and visible abs.

I'm doing it, Vally. Hoping you're still somewhere up there, and that you're proud of me too.

-M