Hello Quack Quack.
The universe seems to give and take not in dribs and drabs, but in bunches.
At the beginning of January I was weeks out from losing my best friend, had a sudden new physical ailment that kept me from moving much (let alone exercising the way I wanted to), lost momentum for and interest in reaching out to try to meet people, and had spent Christmas and New Years sitting at home alone with just a few text messages from family to mark the occasion. All this on top of my yearly seasonal depression bullshit that’s haunted me since early college. It was not a great few months.
What’s happened in the last week? Well let’s see.
I narrowed down the physical nonsense to a tweaked/tight psoas and the lumbar and hip flexor muscles around it were spasming trying to compensate. I now know how to painfully grind a lacrosse ball to loosen up the psoas, which is agony but grants immediate relief after.
I started exercising again. Gingerly, but it’s something. As much rehab and stretching as actual strength training, but it’s progress and I at least know how to proceed. I also took up one of those couch to 10k programs to get running again. I know all the prevailing wisdom says don’t do lots of cardio when trying to put on muscle, but I’m happier and feel healthier when I’m running so screw it I’m going for it. Also found that the first week is too easy, so I’ve been adding a bit to the work to scale it for me. That’s reassuring.
I had a guy come out to look at my problematic basement door. After all the handyman guys that just didn’t follow up, I finally got a quote out of a well reviewed local contractor. Deposit placed, custom door ordered, should be back in business before long.
MY FUCKING RECLINERS GOT DELIVERED AND OH MY GOD THEYRE AMAZING.
I set up a rolling TV stand for my spare 50” 4k tv and soundbar. Remember when only some co-op games could be enjoyed in the company of a friend because the rest were online co-op only? Well then how about we just put an xbox next to the xbox so you can xbox while I xbox? Helloooooo new couch co-op selection.
I called a water damage repair/mold remediation company to try and address the weird allergy symptoms I’ve been having for the better part of a year. They came and inspected the place. Didn’t find anything obvious, were very impressed by what I’ve done with the place, and are going to refer me to a couple hygienists to come run air samples and do a more thorough inspection. It’s forward progress, and I’ll finally be able to either correct a problem or rest easy knowing there isn’t a problem.
My yearly review hit yesterday. I was expecting good marks and little to no pay raise, seeing as how my salary had already jumped twice to the tune of 20% year over year. What I got was GREAT marks and ANOTHER 12% ON TOP OF EVERYTHING. I am suddenly within the top five earners in the company, and it sounds like I may be handed the operations department one day. All at a place where I started as a part time, $15 an hour college drop-out computer guy. It’s… a little surreal, honestly.
DID I MENTION THESE RECLINERS HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS THEY ARE THE FERRARIS TO MY LAST SOFA’S TOYOTA. Motorized headrests are the bomb dot org.
I’m 5 days away from my birthday. Mom and I will likely meet up somewhere. I haven’t seen mom since summer. That will be a nice birthday.
I’m 6 days away from my second vaccine shot. I’m likely already around 60-70% there as far as protection goes, I should be closer to 80-90% by birthday, and I’ll be above 90% for Steakster.
STEAKSTER!!! A week and a half out!! It’s becoming a full friend reunion point. Granted, I joined in for another long walk with Aloy last weekend, and it was nice to see them again and get out, but a return to having indoor friend time and being able to potentially go places once in awhile. Likely going to be some early morning VR fun, maybe some tennis, an outdoor brunch at the Inn, then a trial run for the recliners and the new dual xbox setup and the grill that I never used last year and… It’s feeling like the natural endpoint to this last year+ of head down, nose to the grindstone slog and I’m way more excited for it than I was letting myself realize.
That’s kind of an interesting realization. More excited than I allowed myself to realize. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? When I recognize that something is going to suck, I do my best to accept it and deal with it and move forward anyway. Being home alone all year without the freedom to visit people or have visitors sucked. Apart from outdoor walks when the weather allowed for it, near complete isolation with an exception list that I can count on one hand. So why was I convincing myself that it’s OK? That I’m fine with it and good at it? It feels like it’s the same internal mechanism that convinces me that going the the gym for 2 hours everyday is what I’m happiest doing, or that struggling too long through bad relationships is the right move, or that not eating carbs for 6 months at a time isn’t so bad. It’s me spotting something that I think at the time is a worthwhile goal and convincing myself that I enjoy the process even when it’s miserable.
But is that something to correct? What’s the alternative, to openly acknowledge how bad the process sucks? Maybe it should be to more often reevaluate the goals. Maybe I don’t NEED to be in the sort of shape that two hours every day at the gym provides. Maybe I don’t NEED to wind up with the person I’m struggling through a bad relationship for. Maybe I don’t NEED to be as instantly lean as keto makes me.
And… maybe I didn’t need to be so exceptionally safe about COVID? Or maybe that’s a case where the reevaluation and recognition would find that the shitty process really was worth the outcome. Hmm…
The other recent realization I had hit on a walk yesterday. My first long outdoor walk in a couple months, I used it as a cool down after my run and it felt nice to be up and out, even if my hip wasn’t happy about it. It was a little sobering, getting up and moving and missing having Vally with me all over again. I guess the gap in time made the solo walk feel a little shocking, as if I was relearning that lesson. The grey day probably didn’t help either.
Anyway, I was wandering around the lake, trying to fight off thoughts of how much I miss her so that I wouldn’t fall into that old familiar emotional spiral, when a duck right next to the sidewalk looked me in the eyes and quacked. Rather personably.
A duck.
My first thought went to how THAT wouldn’t be happening with Vally. She’d have been tugging to go Big Run at it and the duck would know better than to stay put so close. But then the simplified version struck me - Vally would have kept it away.
Is that true elsewhere, too?
How many times did I choose to hang out with her instead of venture out to find others to hang with? How many times would I have felt compelled to wander downtown for a beer on a nice evening if I didn’t have Vally here with me? How many happy hours did I turn down because I wanted to rush home to take care of her? How many conversations with attractive girls on walks would have happened if Vally didn’t get snooty or lippy with them approaching? How many times would I have jumped on a plane to meet up with Blue Eyes on one of her work conference hotel trips? How many vacations might I have planned?
The duck looked at me and quacked and didn’t turn around and run and I suddenly felt how Vally had such a role in keeping me on my own over the years.
To be fair to Vally, it’s not a perfect metaphor. I could have chosen to wander downtown or find a dogsitter as needed. She wasn’t stopping me from doing those things. She was more an enabler just by her being there - she gave me the opportunity to and comfort with saying no to all those other opportunities. My decisions. And, honestly, I’d probably do it all again. I loved that dog more than I’ve ever loved anything. More than I knew it was possible to love. I’ve gotten some comfort in knowing that I spent as much time with her as was humanly possible, and spent years petitioning work for the dog friendly policies that would allow me to up that even further. I left nothing on the table with what I knew to give to her in terms of time, care, treats, or love.
But I also recognize now how important it is to make that distinction. I, myself, am not some antisocial hermit that only likes doing things alone. I only seemed that way to the outside at times because I was so content doing things with just Vally. In that way, Vally was the catalyst for me not doing a lot of other things. I guess the right way to phrase it is that I was doing what I was doing BECAUSE of her. Now that she’s gone, my default state should not be to continue doing what I was doing without her. It should be to look for new things to do.
To bring this full circle, I suppose the point to all this was that, despite spending a lot of my time this last year convincing myself that I was okay with things, I’m relieved and excited at the doors that are opening for me now. As much as I miss her and think about her daily, not having Vally here marks a major turning point in my decision making and the things I choose to do with my time. Just like the vaccine will do. I’m sure I won’t wake up tomorrow with a different mindset - changing habits takes time - but I’m going to be working on rethinking habits. It’s not me changing who I am, it’s making new value judgements as circumstances around me have changed. Somehow, that seems easier.
But seriously these recliners fuckin’ I mean seriously you guys look at these glorious things.
-M
