at Rest

It's 10:30am on the first Monday of my two weeks off work. The first days off I've taken since last year. I'm on my back, still laying in bed, fan whirling above be and white noise machine whirring beside me. Figure maybe laying in bed even longer will help to emphasize the point that my entire purpose for the next two weeks is to relax. Unwind. Breathe deep. Try to get rid of the bags under my eyes.

There are plenty of things I'd like to do with this time, of course. Workouts continue. I've been getting back into piano again, finally able to express a little emotion without spontaneously breaking down. There are always a handful of projects around the house to take care of, and I intend to finish at least some of those. But I'd also like to go see family at some point. Maybe go find my camping site on the towpath again. Explore some new hiking trails.

It's all intentionally been left unplanned thus far. Both because I didn't want to feel compelled to do anything during this time AND because I didn't have any spare thought to plan had I wanted to. Just been frantically treading water for months now, waiting for the reprieve. Here it is!

… so… now what?

Started off with a bang. I had an actual date on Saturday. I caught word that the very fit, very attractive, tatted up meteorologist from Bruddah's party back at the start of July was asking about me. I reached out. A week or so of conversation went well, so we met up at a farm brewery not too far from here. And that went well too. She's… not shy. She took my hand in hers from across the bar within the first hour of being there, and I could distinctly see when her flirtatious smile replaced her normal one. Some 5 hours later, on a chilly picnic bench outside, I had bite marks on my inner bicep and my hand firmly around her neck as she whimpered and smirked up at me.

Definitely not shy. But very intelligent, funny, and incredibly attractive. Feels like a bit of a powder keg right now, as we both fall in the driven/intelligent/opinionated category and that could blow at any moment, but the connection and chemistry was there. I'm still in my “letting things fall where they may” bag, but I imagine I'll be seeing weather girl again.

After fending off the hangover from Saturday, I went to the one year adoptiversary party for Aloy yesterday afternoon. A much quieter gathering, couple people and a couple dogs, but wound up out and chatting until almost 2am. Hard to believe it's been a year since Bruddah showed up to my patio with a surprise tiny puppy, but here we are. Aloy spent most of the evening wrestling with/terrorizing Pippa, the world's tiniest GSP. Last year when we all gathered Aloy was barely up to Pip's chest, and couldn't keep up when bounding through the yard. This time she looked to have a 20-30lb weight advantage. Time is weird.

Pippa won me over by the end of the evening. Soulful eyes, and she would give little coos and whimpers and murmurs when looking at you. Telling you things. The song of her people.

Tats are coming along. I've graduated up from the aquaphor and am just applying normal lotion while it all heals. They're in the scabbing/itching stage of healing right now, which sounded terrible but in reality isn't all that bad. Overall, I think the part of the process I liked the least has been having to shave my arm hair to get them done. It is incredibly strange to have no hair on my forearm. To be honest, it reminds me of poor Vally any time she'd need an IV. Have to spend the next several weeks walking around with that bald patch. So… maybe this is just another tribute then?

Thankfully, it's starting to grow back already.

Reaction has been all positive so far from those around me. I personally am adjusting faster than expected. Even after my years of planning and months waiting for the appointment, there was still a hint of minor panic that first evening. The sense of “oh God what have I done to myself?” was hard to shake. I'd look in a mirror and only focus on the ink, fixated. Presumably just the change I was reacting to. Appearance wise, sure, but even more so the mentality behind it. Being less precious about myself. And about permanence.

By day two, I started to appreciate the way they look more. I had told the artist that I didn't want the collar to be flashy on the outside of my arm. That I had considered not even extending it to the outside of my arm, or just using a thin solid band instead of the actual collar. We landed on the idea of a simple black line band for most of it, with the buckles and tag being more photorealistic. The dude nailed it. The detail fades in as it gets closer to the tag. Shadowing and highlights and the pitting of the metal surface and… I don't know a thing about creating details in tattoos, but I know this is intricate.

The paw prints were much simpler, faster to create, but are also fantastic. Much more detailed than just an outline, with fur marks around the pads and such. This could well fade in a decade or two, but that's fine. I can always have it touched up if needed. I had a hunch it would be the case, and was happy to see just how tiny her paws look on my not-so-tiny frame. Fitting. That's the way I remember it when she would prop herself up to reach my face

It's early, but I'm really glad I opted for the collar in a visible place. Walking around, knowing people are seeing the ink, feels like I'm forcing people to see her again. For years, it felt like she was my most prominent defining characteristic and I don't think I appreciated just how much of my identity was tied to her. Well, on some level or another, she's being seen again. That feels good. Comforting.

I suppose I should probably breakfast here eventually. Two weeks to destress and unwind. Some projects. Some exercise. Some books. Some naps. Some walks. And a lot of deep breaths.

I'm okay.

In spite of everything, I'm okay.

-M