Life in Grayscale

What exactly is the thought process behind hanging onto a loved one’s ashes? Are people really comforted by having what remains of the body in an urn or box on the shelf? Because I’m somewhere between saddened and weirded out by it.

Even in the emotional, stressful time of having to make the decision about what to do with Vally, I still was kind of aware that it seemed weird to me. I opted for the “cremation with returned ashes in memorial box” not because it seemed like something I really wanted but because a couple hundred bucks extra seemed worth it to extend that decision out for a more rational time. Say “no thank you” then, maybe regret it forever once I’ve calmed down. Well I got called in to collect the box yesterday, and it’s sitting on a shelf overlooking the living room, and I don’t think I’m comforted by it. It’s not Vally in that box. Vally was a constant connection, us always checking in with and on one another in our 8 years together. Vally was prissy, tip-toeing around puddles and only needing baths but once every 6 months or so for her avoiding dirt. Vally was opinionated regarding how we spent our time but accepting of rules I’d set or decisions I’d make for us. Vally was personality, heart, an inquisitive mind, and love. That box is just full of ash that may or may not have been created when the matter that made up Vally’s body was burned. I’m much more connected to the things that represent our time when she was alive. Her collar has been going with me everywhere. That’s much more meaningful to me.

Oh well. To each their own when grieving, I suppose.

Life still sucks. I’m still getting teary regularly, sometimes it’ll even creep up on me when I’m thinking about something completely different, but it’s a little less sharp sting and a little more dull throb. I’m getting used to not having the other being floating through life at my side. I don’t like it, but at least I’m not looking down expecting to still see her anymore. Roombas are still gathering piles of her fur each lap around the house - I wonder how long that’ll keep turning up. I don’t anticipate that I’ll suddenly feel better tomorrow, or the day after that, as this seems more marathon and less sprint. I guess this is just how I’m going to feel for some time. Hurts, but getting by.

Finished up the basement floor in just three evenings. 4-11pm each evening. Glad it didn’t drag on or interfere with using the basement for long, and was happy to have something to zone out working on for a few days. Hopefully the new floor configuration will help with allergies in the long run. Not sure that allergies are really contributing to what I’ve been feeling, but I’m taking the nuclear option on all possibilities. Siding and chimney folks both come out tomorrow. Check. Check. Check. And…. check.

I just got back from that follow-up thyroid doc appointment. I was much more nervous than I realized about it - my stomach was in knots all morning leading up to it. Ultimately, not a lot of new info. Ultrasound shows I’m definitely not right, spots and bumps and dark spots along the gland itself, but nothing that jumps out as alarming or dangerous. Ran full lab work to see if supplementation is needed to help it along, and another appointment in a year. I wasn’t really looking for another long term health concern to monitor, but at least it’s not an “uh oh” diagnosis. I’ll keep exercising, supplement if told I need it, and doing the best I can.

Amidst all of this I, for some reason, decided to call that cute-nerdy english teacher yesterday and… I like her. Potential there. I don't yet know if it's friend potential or more, but I'm happy to find either really. She seemed a little nervous at first, and lord knows I’m not as quick or engaging as I normally feel what with everything on my mind lately, but it was nice having a get-to-know-you phone call for an hour or so. Will likely see about maybe hitting Vanish or something similar in the near future, get a better read on body language. But at least I’m not COMPLETELY socially inept after a year of near isolation. Just… just moderately inept.

After a week and a half of next to no physical activity (2-3 days of no food or sleep sure has a way of messing with your schedule) I’m starting up a different program today. Figure it’s a natural reset point. New program is a bit less strength focused, a bit more bodybuilding centric. That’s a return to what I’m familiar with. It’ll also bump me up to 5 days a week exercise instead of just 3. I’m excited for the extra time spent moving. I may supplement the whole thing with some AM cardio, but will see how I feel after a week or two of this. For the time being, I guess I’m reverting to fitness and nutrition as my Vally time-filler. I’m so much happier when I’m feeling fit, it seems like the best thing to do for me. Doubling down. Going for broke. Hookers and blow reserved for plan B.

Speaking of doing things for me, I’ve had this sudden urge to go talk to an orthodontist about what it would take to work on my teeth. That’s weird for me. My teeth have never been something I consider much. I’ve had one real cavity in my life (two years ago), never had any orthodontia or work done. Hell, I still have all my wisdom teeth. My teeth have been fine. Not perfectly even and bright pearly white, but fine. Yet all of a sudden I’m tempted to go see what it would take to give a shit about my smile again. Is that me caring about myself more, or developing insecurity? Feels more like the former. Could be convinced it’s the latter. No immediate plans made with the tail end of the pandemic approaching, but maybe after.

Took a 5ish mile hike with Casey and Aloy on Xmas. It was nice to see somebody, instead of just sitting at home by myself. Aloy zoomed the whole time. What a little beast. Dog energy continues to sustain me. I’m actively looking forward to pre-workout walk this afternoon specifically because I’m likely to pass some dogs. More dogs please. Just not on my shelf in a box.

Boring post. Mentally dull. I had quipped before about how Vally had become more than just a pet to me, she was like a sixth sense or a fifth limb. An extension of myself. After a week without her, I can confirm the sixth sense was more accurate. I think that’s the best way to explain how I feel right now - it’s like walking through your day unable to hear, or unable to see color. Going through all the same motions as you normally do, but a major part of the way you interact with and enjoy the world is missing. The joy that that extra element brought just isn’t there all of a sudden, so everything else feels… muted and dull.

At least my thyroid doesn’t seem to be cancerous. Is that the positive news I needed to turn things around? Clouds finally parting? Until life proves otherwise, I’ll be focusing all the energy I can spare on believing so.

Miss you Vally.

-M