Ouch.

This'll likely be short. It's been a long day and a longer week. But I'm unwinding with a drink before I pass out and could probably use a couple minutes to organize my thoughts.

Life without Vally hurts. I'm still talking to her as if she's here. I reflexively filled her empty water bowl yesterday without realizing what I was doing. I've been going on a couple walks totaling some 8-10 miles each day, even though it's freezing out and the sidewalks are snowy. I couldn't really tell you why, other than it's me trying to maintain some feeling of normalcy. I told Vally in one of our last moments that I'd keep walking, knowing full well how silly that is. As if my dog would have cared whether I continue to circle the lake without her. Just another coping mechanism for me, I guess. Still, I wrap her collar around my hand to feel like she's with me and mope around town. At least for now.

Purpose. The term and the concept have been in my head a lot lately. I spent the weekend wandering from piano to book to workout to video game and none of them felt like they mattered even a little bit. Just wandering. Lost. It's made me realize that Vally, to me, was purpose. Taking care of her, playing with her, and doing all I could to appreciate my time with her knowing full well that last Thursday would be coming eventually. She was my purpose, the other hobbies were just filler. It makes this an especially difficult time, but it also is one of those rare occasions in life where I have to choose a new purpose. I haven't really settled on any ideas yet, but I'm weighing options carefully. Something is going to have to fill the void for me to feel like a real person again. Fitness and nutrition? Music? Islam? Hookers and blow?

People have been very supportive. That means a lot. Neighbors noticing and dropping off care packages and cards. The teachers on the corner left a home cooked meal in Tupperware on my front step. There is definitely some comfort in feeling like my struggle is noticed and there's some support around me. So often I wind up imagining that I'm on my own for things. I made a bunch of prints of the “Keep It Up” photo of Vally from our last walk along the Damascus bike path and have been including them in thank you cards. Is it weird to include a photo of my now dead dog in a thank you card? Whatever. It feels good to put her smile out into the world.

I'm making a real point to try and be kinder to myself through this. I have such a bad habit of seeing the worst in the things I do, or judging myself harshly, and it's a real conscious effort to lighten up right now. This is without a doubt one of the most emotionally grueling times I'll ever go through. I'm gonna break down in public and be awkward and say dumb things while I'm so emotional and that's ok. The time for high standards is later. The time for being proud of myself for even still fighting is now.

Science girl decided to ask again about meeting up and doing something right in the middle of my 48 hour no-sleep marathon with Vally's health deteriorating. She decided the day after Vally passing was the time to tell me that we’re in different places because she wants to be out on dates now. Fuck science girl. I don't know if she was exploring other options or is really just that impatient, but chatting nonstop for a couple days and then just disappearing the day after I lost my dog is shitty. Even just on a friendship level. Good riddance. I disabled that dumb account after Vally passed, but started talking to a cute-nerdy English teacher before doing so. Will see. No expectations. Dating sites really are garbage.

Casey brought Aloy over Sunday. The fourth time I've seen her, and she's once again bigger than the last. She got out of the car ultra-timid, tail between her legs, hiding behind Casey. I squatted down and looked away to give her a chance. About 60 seconds in she got close enough to smell me and immediately her tail went up and she threw herself at me. Aggressive puppy hugs with paws over shoulders. We ran in the snow and played with her toy and she threw her weight against me for cuddles and knocked my beer everywhere trying to running-jump into my lap and it was exactly what I needed. I thought it would be torturous to see other dogs so soon, but it turns out to be exactly the opposite. Even just passing dogs as I walk around are some of the few smiles I've had this last week. To know there's still that good happy dog energy in the world is comforting. It's not my Vally, but it's still good.

Looking for something to keep me occupied, I finally went rooting around in the basement to see if I could find any mold that's contributing to the allergy issues. Hole in the drywall showed the cinder block and studs doing fine, but pulling up the vinyl plank definitely showed mold on the concrete. Always suspected it might show up there. So yesterday, immediately after my workout, I moved everything out of the theater and pulled up the flooring. Scrubbed the concrete with bleach and water. Let it dry overnight. This evening I spent from 4:30 to 11 installing some more of those dricore panels that seem to be working for the gym. I bought 60 2x2 panels, didn't miscut a single piece, and had I bought 59 it would have been too few. Was using leftover scraps for the final pieces. Yikes - cutting it close. I've got cuts and splinters all over my hands, my back and legs are burning from 6 hours of working on the floor, my eyes burn from all the crying over the last several days, but it felt good to get into that project flow state again. Working through the physical pain seemed to distract from thoughts. Gonna have to make sure this impulse doesn't go towards darker self-harm, but keeping it productive seems ok. Tomorrow I put the vinyl back down, retrim, and hopefully move the furniture back in in time to use the gym in the evening.

Not a very creative or funny post, but that's fine. There will be plenty of time for that later. Right now I just need to keep learning how to exist without her.

I'm still thinking of you constantly, Vally. I miss you more than I've ever missed anything. I don't know if life will ever feel quite as good as when you were still here, but I'm gonna keep trying. Also, I'm actively looking forward to getting your paw prints tattooed so you can walk with me again, forever and always.

Goodnight, sweet wolf. I love you.

-M