Whooooo are you? Who-who? Who-who?

How long do hermits have to live alone in a cave in the woods before they start to go a little looney? Do they just wake up one day and their mind is gone, or is it that old wives tale about the frog in the pot where they don't notice the gradual change until it’s too late?

I ask because, well, lockdown has me seriously monitoring myself. I was already pretty closed off to the outside world, by average societal standards, but now my entire interaction with people each day is a brief conversation with a neighbor on a walk with Vally. I feel like I'm gonna wake up tomorrow as that old man prisoner in the cartoons. Long beard, tattered robe, wild eyes, been down in the dungeon alone for so long that now he just murmurs quietly to himself and blows spit bubbles. Tomorrow? Monday? How long do I have?

I had sent a resume to the owner of Casey's liquor store a year or two ago. Total cold-call after hearing that their existing IT guy was garbage, but it seemed like a good entry point into some evening and weekend side gigs with local businesses. Get my name out there and start building references. Well, I never heard from him… until yesterday. Apparently their IT guy spent hours struggling with a network issue and they finally were fed up enough to call me. It took me about 10 minutes once logged in to get a feel for their system and figure out how to access the trouble computer, and another 2 minutes to fix the problem. I'm being paid with a box of nice craft beer and the possibility of future work. Not too shabby for under 15 minutes. That resume finally paid off.

I received that second pulley machine on time and was up until 11:30 last night reinforcing the wall and getting it installed. Second weight stack loaded up and everything works great. Feels so good having cable crossovers again. There's something very Kevin Sorbo Hercules about standing with arms outstretched and pulling or pressing a bunch of weight in each direction. Gonna be fun to incorporate into programs moving forward.

Roofer came out yesterday and got everything finished for me. Rain sounds nice on the new skylight. Old one was plastic. Not just plastic, but wafer thin, sun wrecked single ply plastic. That could NOT have been doing me any favors with heating bills. New one is clear and double paned and awesome and I didn't even have to climb up there and fiddle with the thing myself. Just gave a guy some money and now it's done. What a concept. I'll have to explore this further.

So I was passed out on the couch with a wolf on my shoulder this evening, burnt out from workout and dinner, when wolf went flying over me towards the front door barking her fool wolf head off. Not sure if I missed a knock or a doorbell in my slumbers, but by the time I came to and got my phone out to check the security camera the person was gone. Recorded footage shows a brunette with hair pulled up and heavy eye makeup wearing a cat whisker mask and holding a paper bag. She rang the bell, waved at the peep hole, went and looked into my car, then left.

Excuse me?!?

Maybe it was a delivery or a wrong address? It doesn't look like Fit Brunette, but after Hot Mom Across the Street knocked on the door that once to randomly ask me out for drinks I wouldn't count it out entirely. Could it be the new neighbor down the street? Blue Eyes? Girlface? Irish? Ice Queen? Seriously, every brunette with a potential grudge or hope popped into my mind trying to figure this out. It's likely just a wrong door food delivery or something, but the mystery is killing me.

Irish. I think that'd be my pick if I got to choose. Why is that? She was all over the map when we were trying to make something of us. She would show up and seem eager and then act as if I didn't think she was good enough and then disappear again. Behavior crazy quotient: very high. So why is she the one I'd prefer to be at my door randomly on a rainy friday evening?

Some of it has to be chemistry. The times that we missed, weren't on the same page, were pretty glaring. But the ones that we hit were every bit as intense in the positive sense. Some of those moments in the cabin in Deep Creek will stay with me. Certainly of the kind I won't get into details about here, but also just curling up together on the outdoor sofa and each reading our books. It's a shame the misses got in the way of exploring those hits further.

Could I have prevented that? If I had been closer to 100% myself, or presented myself differently, or used different words, would that have extended things? I'd like to believe so, but… honestly, I doubt it. Hindsight makes it really seem like her feelings of inadequacy were just a headspace she was in. My telling her how great she was or how gorgeous she was or how much I enjoyed time with her never seemed to sink in. She would still interpret the next thing I did as a sign that I didn't care or she wasn't enough. Sucks to recognize that I was drawing dead even as I tried to play my cards, but I think that's what was happening. I was more an avenue for her to soak up self loathing or self pity than I was a real interest.

Would she have even been interested in me if she couldn't somehow feel inadequate around me? Is that all I was?

Very possible. But I don't think that somehow fakes the good times we had. Those were legit, even if it was some unfortunate mind-fuckery that got us into those positions. So I guess the correct interpretation of the whole episode is to be glad for the good times and lingering mental images and to hope that she's in a better headspace now. And to keep working on being in a better headspace myself. And no more hunger. And world peace. Kumbayaaaaah muhloooooord… kumbayaaaaah…

She looked real good naked and cuffed to the ceiling THERE I SAID IT.

I am glad that I've finally gotten the time to be free of all this drama and to find balance again. I know I tried for years after Ice Queen, but drama kept sending me very attractive packages and I never quite put my foot down completely. I was on my way last year when illness hit me and then plague hit the world, and the time completely alone has for sure been helpful, if at times trying. I do feel more like myself again. Whatever that even means. More of this, then, and by the time the world opens back up I'll be ready to get out into it again.

Tomorrow I need to get the latest two motorized window shades installed, pack up P3DR0 from his mini charging garage for the winter (the lawn for sure doesn't need mowing in December, right?), and maybe get some little messes around the house taken care of. Clean up all the project debris before the water heater gets delivered and the Circle of Project begins anew. Is there anything else happening this weekend? Anything fun? I uh…

… hmm…

… well, I'll work on it. Wolfbeast and I will improvise. Here's to a quality weekend of murmuring quietly to myself and blowing spit bubbles.

-M