Winter is Dull and so am I

In a bit of a lull here. Not quite a funk, which is a minor miracle given my 14 month string of events, but definitely a lull. Is this normal winter stuff I’m feeling, or the coup de grace of whatever I’ve been fighting off coming to finish the job?

I mean, probably the former. But who really knows? Yet another doctor appointment tomorrow. Mostly just to have them run some bloodwork again so I can rest easier knowing levels are normal. Whatever. Pretty over this health business at this point. I’ve done everything I know to keep any minimal health-related googling to incognito tabs, but somehow Google’s news feed is still making sure to keep me VERY aware of Dustin Diamond’s recent stage 4 cancer diagnosis. Thanks, Google. That’ll help me sleep at night.

Whatever. Que sera sera. Though I’d just assume feel better if possible please and thanks.

Not much happening here. As was mentioned in the last post, I’m trying to embrace that. Still haven’t finished my drywall up because… I mean… I haven’t felt like it? It’s weird to think that I’m making progress by procrastinating. Spent just an irresponsible amount of time on that Fenyx Rising game. I’m at the point of running around to try and find every last collectible and puzzle chest, every legendary mount and boss monster, before going in to murder the shit out of the final boss. I do kind of like allowing myself to sit back and relax again. Spent enough time that I’ve decided my Lovesac couch isn’t comfortable enough for gaming and am researching proper reclining theater seating. That’s a responsible use of a couple grand, right?

I will say that, as much as I still constantly miss Vally and tear up regularly thinking about her, I think not having her here is a large part of my relaxing a bit more. I’ve been laying in bed for awhile on weekend mornings when I feel like it. Staying up late playing that game if the mood strikes. I’ve been on a couple of long walks down around the bell tower lately in the cold, but I do so when I want to, not like clockwork every morning as soon as I get out of bed and every evening after work. The routine was so important to Vally that I didn’t want to deviate - here’s what she expects, so here’s what I’m gonna make sure she gets so she can be comfortable - but I’m starting to remember what it feels like to make choices based on what feels nice instead of having multiple obligatory events on the schedule each and every day.

I’d still rather have Vally with me, but I refuse to get stuck in a grass is always greener, I can never be happy again mentality. I still dream about her a couple times a week and cry whenever someone asks me where my dog is on walks, but life will go on. Not exclusively better or worse. Just very different.

I did run into Fit Brunette on a dusk walk the other day, first time since that second car with a male occupant showed up in the driveway . Don’t think she recognized me in different coat and full scruff mode, she leashed up Gunner like there was a stranger approaching. I had every intention of giving a quick “hi how’s it going it’s freezing out here don’t let me keep you” and moving on, but somehow SHE started initiating more conversation and we wound up talking for yet another 20 minutes on the side of the road as the sun went down in 25 degree wind chills. And now I haven’t seen that second car in her driveway for awhile. Good lord am I confused about what’s going on there. Think I’ve decided to just let that be, stay friends and don’t try to push beyond what happens organically. It’s a nice conversation every time we cross paths, there’s no sense messing that up for a long-shot attempt at a date.

She is fucking gorgeous, though.

Online dating has gone from one nightmare to the next. It was a lot of people that I couldn’t see myself dating, with a very few exceptions. I tweaked a couple things on the profile, adopted an “eh whatever this thing is kind of a joke anyway” approach to it, and suddenly I’ve got more conversations going than I can reasonably keep up with in a any meaningful way. Enough that I’m letting perfectly fine conversations fall off along the way. Two ex strippers message me in the same week? I mean thanks you look great welllp I guess I’ll seeee yaaaa. shrug Fox Vet sounded like she was having some health trouble with one of her skulk and I haven’t heard from her in a week or so. shrug. Cute Nerdy Teacher is up to 24-36 hours before I get a response, even though she seems to still want to get together and talk and progress. Disappointing, but shrug. Local elementary teacher in town I talked to a lot for 48 hours and then not? shrug There’s a heavily submissive equestrian who seems very interested right now but we probably know where that’s headed. shrug I think this is honestly the way it’s supposed to be going. It’s giving me people to talk to and get to know, but I’m not all hung up on results. If someone shows up and seems worth the extra effort, I’m here for it. Otherwise? shrug

I’m looking out the window and snow is falling again. Second day in a row. We really just got a dusting compared to what was forecast, but it’s still cold and kinda gray and dreary. Ok it’s really probably not that bad I’m just mad that my meal delivery is delayed and my HVAC is still some serious garbo. I paid some 6-7 grand when I bought the house to have both outdoor units replaced. Neither has worked all that well since. Breakers flip on occasion and I don’t know until I walk around the side of my house to check. They’ve both been low on freon more than once. Well I called out the service guys last week to see why I’m always cold now. One is low on freon again, the other has a bad fan control board. Essentially it’s stuck on defrost mode 24/7, so it’s not turning on. A couple hundred bucks for the part would be fine, but it’s backordered. Of course it’s backordered. So I’m running at half power during a snowstorm and just, like, c’mon. Please? Can I catch a break please?

One day I’ll have to replace the whole HVAC system to the tune of some 10-15 grand. That day will likely come after my theater seating. Priorities.

Oh, Factor meals are ten times better than Fuel meals. I feel silly for having used Fuel for so many months here. SIgned up for Factor to try their keto options for awhile, and it’s like going from frozen lean cuisines to proper restaurant meals. Adequate spices and vegetables and less bland rice/pasta filler. I will NOT be switching back anytime soon. I just wish FedEx would brave the snow and get this week’s meals to me. I guess this is keto with a nonconsensual intermittent fasting component.

This just feels like a ramble at this point so I’m gonna cut myself off. Boring post. Boring week or two. I’m happy that the days are starting to get longer and we’re only one short month away from March. Sun and warmth and hikes and maybe even a vacation around the corner. And who knows? Maybe Fit Brunette knocks on my door tomorrow. Stranger things have happened.

Keep after it.

-M