And I say it’s all right

Has it really been over a week already since I posted? How is that possible? Has anything happened in that time? Anything at all? I… uhm, well…

No. No not really. But I’ll give this a go.

I yoga’d. Yesterday. I did the yoga. I’m a yogaer now, is what I’m trying to say. Still having that tightness in the small of my back and am trying to let it dissipate on it’s own, but it makes me really averse to hitting these heavy compound movements in the gym. So, yesterday I called an audible and became a guy who is into some serious yogaing. I think I might have actually written something like this from way back when I was dealing with all the joint pain last winter, because I started it briefly then and was almost immediate not-a-yogaer again, but it really felt good yesterday. Just a super beginner 25ish minutes, nothing that most would even call yoga, I imagine, but it was a lot of deep breathing and stretching things out and hearing the crunching in my neck just moving around and realizing that I really NEED to be doing that more. My neck is crunchy, my back is tight, my hamstrings are like an overwound piano ready to explode, and my calves are so locked up that my heels were nowhere near the floor trying to downward dog. Even more telling, I was trying to breathe deep, as instructed in the video, and I couldn’t. My breath would hitch and catch in my throat and my abdomen would tense up before I could fill my lungs. You know that cliche choppy breathing of a little kid coming down off a big cry? Deep inhale interrupted by lots of little hitches? That’s what I’m trying to describe.

If all of this stuff is indicative of the stress and tension levels going on in my body, it’s no wonder I’m struggling to feel good. Gotta woosah more. I’ll keep working on it.

The couple times I have jumped back into the weights have been with my new premium adjustable bench. This top of the line Rep Fitness model comes in at $550 after taxes and shipping, weighs 140+ lbs, and is made from 7 gauge steel. It’s a damn tank, and puts the old $300 FID to shame. Which is saying something, because that was a nice bench too. I sold that to a real pleasant powerlifting/personal trainer dude yesterday for $200 and now it’s just me and my matching set of premium benches. To do yoga on, I suppose. Chest and tri day today, I’ll get to bask in its machine welded greatness properly. Aside from some 80-100lb dumbbells, I think this concludes the home gym upgrades I had been dreaming of. Just about complete. Exciting.

Been putting in a fair amount of time into this Immortals Fenyx Rising game. It’s kind of fantastic, actually. Looks great on the Series X, I love the colorful art style they used, and the tone is often silly in a really nice way. Doesn’t take itself too seriously. But it’s an enormous open world with a ton to explore and the minute to minute combat/puzzle/story mission/exploration gameplay loop is a lot of fun. I can see myself putting a lot of time into this. Nice little escape.

I took another COVID risk and hung out with CNT again this weekend. Pulled out the patio furniture cushions and made some hot coffee and hung out out there with the speakers going. Also took a nice long chatty walk around the park for an hour or so, sat watching people play with dogs next to the bell tower. It was, again, a really good time. She’s great. Has that thing where she’ll join into silly instead of look down on it, and I’m finding that’s absolutely a requirement for me. I went into one of my ridiculous limerick days, where my brain was writing limericks about everything all day, and I sent some to her and some to the Fox-Having vet. Fox-Having vet laughed and made a joke about how ridiculous the premise is. CNT had three limericks written in response. A very distinct difference.

I’m still kind of unsure as to whether CNT falls into the serious relationship potential category or the really good friends category. Not as a knock on her in any way, she’s great, but I’ve noticed her communication style is sparse when we’re not actively chatting. A one or two long texts a day person, rather than a back and forth dialogue person. While that’s a perfectly valid way to approach it (lord knows we’re all on our phones too much), I’m finding that I keep looking for that person to bounce silly stories or ideas off of during the days. I’m actively not sending these things to her because I’m not trying to blow up her phone for 12 hours and then get one long response, repeat ad nauseum. Maybe I’m just looking for a close friend too then? Maybe I really do need that in a significant other? Maybe that’s just me being codependent because I sit at home alone all day every day and now don’t even have Vally here to interact with? All possibilities. Who knows. But, regardless of where things land, CNT is good people.

The Vally coping continues. Still slow going, but it’s going. I had fallen apart once at the end of last week after watching that video of someone playing Here Comes the Sun on kalimba in a flower field while their golden retriever turns the corner and sits smiling at them. Like, lost my shit fell apart at it. Largely because I miss her, but also because it’s just such a beautiful, happy moment caught. My brain was imagining Vally coming around the corner and smiling at me as I played, the same way she used to when I’d have a guitar in my hands, and I think of the lyric “Little darling, it’s been a long cold lonely winter” and I kept hearing myself repeat “If Heaven isn’t this, then I don’t want it” and then the tears would start again. So I ordered a kalimba. Of course I ordered a kalimba. Work on arranging Here Comes the Sun for myself is coming along. I’m also intrigued by how it can be used for Pachelbel’s Canon in D. Now all I need are the sunflowers and my Vally.

After that day, I had kept it together until a minor slip today when I received a letter from the Humane Society down in NC that a donation had been made in Vally’s memory by the doctors and staff at a pet hospital down there. Took me a bit to realize that it was Corruptible Girl’s vet practice. I don’t know if CG made the donation herself or if she talked to the docs there and the whole practice made a bigger donation, but that was really sweet of everyone. I went to thank her and let her know that it’s basically the best thing anyone can do right now. There’s nothing that’s gonna make me feel better immediately, but it is nice to think of helping other pups get adopted into other homes making other people almost as happy as Valentine made me. So that got me going again. But, in general, the tears are further and further apart. Still finding new normal, whatever that’s gonna look like, but the sharp sadness is a bit more dull than it was last week. I look forward to getting to a point where I can think back on all the happy memories fondly without all the raw pain that it brings up now.

Did I mention the Vally Bite before? Is the meningitis still messing with my memory? Whatever nobody reads this to call me on it - I’ve implemented a Vally Bite policy. For 8 years she got the last little half bite of whatever meal I had. She’d patiently wait next to me for it, and the meal was always finished when I’d lean down with the pinch of whatever it was for her to eat out of my hand. So I’ve been leaving that last bite of every meal since she passed. A little silent tribute at each meal. A Vally Bite. Silly, probably, but it feels important.

I always try to wrap these posts up with some sort of moral or actionable item or deeper meaning, but this is just a lot of stuff that’s happened. What’s the deeper meaning to it all? What are my goals right now? The fuck am I even doing anymore?

Honestly? Maybe it doesn’t matter. Maybe that’s my problem lately. I’ve been pushing myself for more goals and accomplishments for about a decade now and, while I take a few hours here and there to try and relax, I’ve almost completely forgotten how to just exist. Coast from day to day happily going about my business. If it’s not gonna get me today then it can probably wait for tomorrow. Yeah it could be better but it’s fine right now too. Who knows I’ll just figure it out as it comes. That used to be me, and while I didn’t have the career or the home or the reputation I do now, I think I was happier. Now that I don’t have Vally to supplement a lack of internal happiness with purpose, I guess I’m gonna have to learn to find it on my own again. Getting out of lockdown eventually should open up more chances at that, but maybe this meandering, drifting, unmoored feeling is what I need right now. Embrace it. I don’t always have to be pushing myself to the next thing. If I could get myself straight, I’ve got a pretty damn good life as it is. Completely customized bachelor pad house, cushy job, six figure income, all the freedom and autonomy anyone could ever ask for - middle school/high school/college me would look at my life and wonder it could even be possible to have all this and not be thrilled to wake up in it every morning. Maybe, now that I’m here and have made it, a little less work ethic and a little more languishing in the spoils of all my hard work are called for.

Huh. Did I just… did I just accomplish something with this meandering post? Did listing off all my random thoughts lead me to a meaningful conclusion? Huh. I guess this is why journals are good, huh?

Tomorrow, I will feel a little better than I did today. That’s the goal. That’s what matters. The rest I’ll figure out when I get there.

I miss you, Vally.

-M