Watch out boys, she’ll chew you up
I want to get fucked up and make music.
Remember when we were kids and could tap into that music emotion at a moment’s notice? Step outside of ourselves and get lost in the swells and the tempo changes and the glissandos without all the hangups getting in the way? I sure do, and I miss it dearly.
I can get there once in awhile. If I happen to pick up a guitar or sit down at the piano at just the right time I’ll find it for a brief while. But I haven’t yet seemed to sort out how to tell if that’s where I am. I don’t know when I pick up a guitar and try to sing if I’m gonna feel it and slip into that alternate state or if I’m gonna get a few words in, feel ridiculous, and put it down again. It’s a sobering realization - I used to just always have it in my bag when I needed it. Conjure it forth like I’m pulling my phone out of my pocket. Never any doubt. Not even a question. Maybe some of it comes down to confidence levels, as not having to worry about whether you’re going to get there makes it possible to get out of your own way and get there.
Welp, that’s why I want to drink too much and lock myself in the music room for a long weekend evening. Not drunk to the point where I want to find a horizontal surface, ANY horizontal surface, and pass out. Just to the point where everything feels like a good idea and I’m convinced I’m a good composer. Wake up tired the next morning and sift through whatever came of it. Or not, really. Does it matter? I’m not sure I’m too hung up on a finished product. I just want to feel connected to it again.
Maybe this weekend.
So I got to puppysit a little early this past weekend, and I’ll get to do it again starting tomorrow. Casey’s dad is going through it right now, so Casey went up to help and dropped Aloy off with me. A few observations -
Aloy is enormosity dogfined.- The timid little lump that visited on her adoption day in October is now a beastly 50+ lbs and still growing like a weed. I combined pictures of her adoption day and her during her visit with me and it’s staggering. Also adorable. From Beanie Baby to Maneater.
Aloy never does not have the zoomies - Self explanatory.
Aloy is emotionally in tune with everything - I showed her an acoustic guitar and the first handful of times I plucked a string you’d think I had turned water into wine. Jump back in surprise, head tilts for clarity, pacing circles around it. But when I tried to play and sing Cohen’s Hallelujah I couldn’t. I got to the second verse and Aloy was on the couch next to me, giant paws over my shoulders, licking my face. Took me a bit to realize that was concerned and helping. And the M's heart grew three sizes that day.
Aloy doesn’t give a fuck about your TV remotes - I had four Harmony smart remotes scattered around the house for various media set ups in various rooms. I now have three Harmony smart remotes scattered around the house for various media set ups in various rooms. I underestimated the level of detail needed in my puppy-proofing clean up.
Aloy is not Vally - See below.
I was really concerned about bringing a dog into the house so soon after Vally. Think I mentioned it here before, I didn’t want it to conjure up all the memories and feelings only to have them leave again with the dog the following day. Turns out that was silly of me. Aloy is nothing like Vally, having her here was nothing like having Vally back, and so it really didn’t put me in that time and place again the way I was worried about. Aloy needs constant supervision, wants to go go go, where Vally was always happy to mellow out and just be near me. Vally could leave a house that she had only been in once, go for a long walk, and immediately recognize the house again on our return. Aloy and I went for about 7-8 walks in our 30 hours here and she walked right past the house every single time we got back. Aloy knows how to interact with emotions, a la her taking it upon herself to cheer me up when I was trying to sing Hallelujah. Vally was an emotional dunce, just not knowing what to do with strong emotions. I’ll never forget the day we got back from our simultaneous ultrasounds this past summer. I got through the front door with the weight of real potential cancer for both of us on my shoulders and collapsed. Fell to the floor and lost it. Vally watched the whole thing from her water bowl, waiting for me to collect myself long enough to refill it for her.
That sounds bad. She showed she cared all the time. It was just knowing how to respond to my emotions that stymied her.
Anyway, point being that it was nothing like having Vally around and so I didn’t really hit that state. And, as nice as it was to know that I can have a dog around without falling apart, it also made me very sure that I’m right to not run out and find another dog myself. The hole that Vally left when she passed did not even begin to be filled by Aloy. It did not scratch that itch in the slightest. Vally had a special place in my life and in my heart and I can’t just get another dog and expect it to be better again. So, any doubt in my mind about the decision to go it alone for awhile has been assuaged. I’ll be sad about her not because I refuse to do anything about it, but because there’s nothing to be done about it. That inevitability almost makes it easier somehow. This is just what it is now. Need to adjust.
So I’ll be happy to have Aloy around again tomorrow for awhile, but I know what to expect. A giant handful, not a new Vally.
Oh, so, Ice Queen out of fucking NOWHERE. Got a random facebook message from her the other day, offering condolences for losing Vally. Took me a second to recognize who it even was with the new last name. According to the chat history, it’s been some 7 years at this point already? Cripes. Looks like there’s an Ice Princess floating around now too. Generally uneventful exchange, once I realized who I was talking to. It was nice of her to reach out. But, at the same time, I can’t shake this weird feeling that something else is up. She heard it through the grapevine that Vally passed? I didn’t post about it. I can’t imagine anyone else was posting about it. Were they? Lord knows I facebook so little I could have missed it. But still, it wouldn’t have been their news to share. Seems unlikely.
Actually, as I type this, it occurs to me that Kelly, Vally’s most visited vet over the years, might have said something. I never did ask whether those two talked much still. Or! Maybe the Banfield account she created years ago for Vally still had some connection to her? It wasn’t too long ago they got accounts mixed up for an appointment. Whatever. I guess it would have to be one or the other, and ultimately it doesn’t really matter. It was nice of her to reach out. Just sets off my spidey sense for some reason.
I almost took the opportunity to try and catch up a bit, find out how life has been treating her, but I caught myself. Couldn’t stop thinking about the one time she visited my house after I bought it, and the first words out of her mouth when she walked in to this, my enormous real world accomplishment, were “Wow! These curtains! Did YOU do these? These are adVANCED for you!!” It was exactly that sort of constant barrage against my own self worth that I had to seek refuge from at the time, and I couldn’t imagine opening the door to it now. I mean, I don’t think it would have gone there necessarily. I HOPE she’s in a better place at this point, where she can feel worthwhile without needing to crush those around her to feel adequate herself, but… not trying to take that chance.
She did have a REALLY nice ass, though. Grade A. Top shelf that thing.
The last post about HMatS felt a little strange typing up at first - almost like exhibitionism if anybody were to ever read it - but I found it really helpful for me personally. I had replayed these things in my head forever, all the ups and the downs, but I never really had put a bow on it and called it “done” in some semi-official manner. It clearly was, but I had no way to stamp it as such. I had made the crack about how I’m sort of substituting this journal in where actual therapy would be better, and there’s still some truth to that, but I do think the last post served that purpose well. Maybe I’ll try the same with Ice Queen at some point in the future. Could be helpful, even if I don’t remember all the details as clearly at this point.
Blame it on the meningitis.
Ok it’s getting late and I have no idea what I’ve been talking about so far. A little mundane life business shizz before I wrap it up.
After getting my new desk all put together, doing all the wire management, and getting it all just right I decided that it really needs to be a different layout. Because I guess I’m THAT asshole now. There just wasn’t enough room for my chair as it sat. I realized that the Uplift desk configurator, the thing that gives you visual updates in real time as you make changes to your configuration, changed the numeric dimensions on the labels of the desk but didn’t actually adjust the desk proportions. So I was seeing my 60x60 dimensions on what was likely an 84x72 desk, or something in that range. Anyway, tore it all up, pulled the box out of the recycling, and boxed the main surface back up. Which was no easy task - I went out to collect the packing materials and the wind storm from that morning had blown the styrofoam out of my can and across the neighborhood. Literally. I’m not exaggerating when I say I was collecting desk packing material from the shrubs three houses down and across a street. But collecting’ed them I did, and now I’m using a weird frankenstein’s monster desk of mostly new parts with my old desk’s particleboard surface bolted in place instead of the one I'm returning. It works. It’ll be worth it to get it right in the end. Hate to spend two grand and have it be wonky.
I waited and waited for that leather swatch from Expensive Theater Chairs-R-Us to come in so I could see the red in person, but USPS is still backed up to hell. Not wanting to lose my chance at landing a set of chairs from the next shipment coming in, I called and requested more photos, was reassured that the color is what I think it is, and so I placed the order. I did it. Threw in a 5 year warranty, a couple wine glass holders, and a phone holder while I was at it. In for a penny in for a pound. Or, in for a penny in for $4100. Felt silly blowing that kind of cash on theater seats, but I expect to get thousands of hours on them for a decade or more, so… .they’ll be perfect.
OR SO I THOUGHT.
The swatch arrived yesterday. Finally made it. It’s WAY darker than the pictures had made it out to be. I called this morning to halt the whole thing until I can land a color that works. I was just gonna go with the black on black, play it safe, but the owner of the company is having the factory direct ship me a swatch of every red leather they have available so I can choose my own and have it made custom, no extra cost. Fucking. Baller. It’ll take a little longer to get em, but what’s another month or two when it comes to getting my 4 grand seats, right?
The lesson I’m taking from all this is - when you buy expensive luxury shit from expensive luxury goods sellers, you get to be a total pain in the ass consumer and they WELCOME it. Neat! I could get used to that.
Work is balls. Jimmy out for two weeks while I try to singlehandedly take care of IT, manage all 6 members of Shipping and Inventory, and complete my own list of 5 projects I need to have done before our busy season starts in earnest on April 1st. It’s too much. Altogether way too much. Just gonna have to do what I can to keep as many plates spinning as possible. I expect one or two might break, but even that would be a real accomplishment given the circumstances.
Got Casey set up with Vivecraft, the free Minecraft mod for proper VR support, and the hijinks have begun. He was hesitant, he’s not a big Minecraft guy and he’s generally pretty claustrophobic, but we got in and spent about 3-4 hours getting a starter base set up and exploring a nearby cave/trench/mineshaft. I can see an enormous number of hours getting sunk into that over the next couple of months. And maybe I’ll start up Fallout 4 VR on my own. The escapism is nice these days, feeling like I’m elsewhere and not home still.
2021 - the year dropping yourself into a post-apocalyptic nuclear hellscape can be considered “a nice escape”.
There was something else that happened but I’m blanking on it now. It’s past midnight, I’ve already got bags under my eyes, so I guess it can wait for next time. I feel like I start these things bright and quick and crisp and by the end all creativity is washed out of me and I’m just stream-of-consciousnessing it. Ah well. If I ever come back and read through them, I’ll just read the first 3/4 of each post,. I guess.
OH IT WAS HEALTH. HEALTH I DIDNT UPDATE. Uh, it’s uh…. it’s about the same. Maybe slightly better. Maybe. Hard to tell.
There. Fuckin’ nailed it. Outtie.
-M
