Just Before the Dawn

Oof.

I’ve been putting this off. Writing an entry here usually involves taking tabs on where I am with things. I haven’t wanted to do that. To face where I am with things.

Frankly, I’m not doing so great.

This will likely be short.

Hip, digestion, and all that nonsense that I dealt with for 4-5 months at the start of last year all came back. I talked about that last time. But last time I was optimistic - felt like maybe I had a better handle on it and could get out of it quicker.

Nope.

It’s been almost two months. 24/7 discomfort. Hurts to squat down to pick something up, hurts even more to lean forward to tie my shoes. Once again, after all the effort I made last year to push myself and get out of my comfort zone and feel better, I can’t even describe how deflating it’s been to wind up right back where I started. Bloated. Heavy. Tired. Uncomfortable. Unmotivated.

I’ve switched over to a mostly liquid diet for the last twoish months. Partially to keep calories down while I can’t exercise, and partially because it seemed like it would be easier on my system. Failed on all fronts. Still heavy, still swollen up. Fat lot of good that’s doing me. My one solid meal a day has been one of those meal services where they send you ingredients and recipes each week. For the first time ever, I’ve actually been cooking. Like, properly. Roasting veggies, making my own cream sauces, zesting lemons, making an attempt at plating. I thought the variety in foods might help, in case my wonky meal plans were creating some nutrient deficiency. Hasn’t helped at all, but I’ve actually found it kinda theraputic to spend 45 minutes focusing on putting things together in the evening. Serves two, so I can wrap the second meal and have it the next day. Not a bad system. Think I’ll keep at it for awhile.

Anyway.

I have two awful diagnostic doctor’s visits middle of March. Both MONTHS before they should have been, but I snagged openings from cancellations. Lucky. Still awful. They will likely both be intrusive. One they’re knocking me out for and I had to ask a neighbor to help get me there and back (embarrassing). But, as awful and humbling as those will be, I’m just hopeful that one of them turns up something. Something that can be treated or managed or at LEAST identified. Also trying to remove the risks from my mind. Not like it’s a risky think I’m doing. But… you know. They put you under and start jamming things into you, who knows?

It’ll be okay. I’ll go under and they’ll find something simple to fix and i’ll start fixing it right away. Whatever it might be.

The second trip is actually for something that may or may not be related. A lingering discomfort that’s been in the back of my mind for… god… a dozen years now? Maybe a little more? Not comfortable talking about that yet. Never been comfortable talking about that with anyone. Even a semi-anonymous ejournal. Maybe if I get some answers it’ll be easier. Maybe not.

Anyway.

I’m not sure I have a ton to report otherwise. It’s been tough to do much or get excited about things lately. Mostly just keeping my head above water. Trying to keep clean clothes in the drawers and shower occasionally.

I’ve had to Godzilla the potential dates I had knocking on my door. Not really much of a choice. Can’t go out in this state. Maybe after those appointments.

Cleaning service is rad. Once a month now, a minivan full of hispanic women show up at my house. They walk in, heads down, and split up like a well rehearsed team of assassins. Vacuums and mop buckets in hand. For about two hours they bustle around, 3-4 vacuums all going at once, as if I’m not sitting here at my desk trying to get work done. Then, at some point, I realize the vacuums have stopped. I get up from my desk. Silence. Peek around the corner and they’re gone. Lights off. Door closed. And the house is immaculate. A dirt hit squad, calmly and coolly making the kill and vanishing in a puff of smoke.

Think I’ll be selling my Roombas. Upgraaaaaaaaade.

Sonos sued Google and won. Google had to remove features from their smart speakers. The smart speakers I spent a few thousand on and scattered around my house for whole-home audio. Among those features? Being able to control volume of groups of speakers. They could have paid Sonos the licensing fee, but nope. Just gonna remove features their customers already paid for instead. So I’m tapping out. Going Sonos. Spending an absolute fuckton. I wasn’t sure if it was gonna be worth it, tried to just dip my toe in slowly when Sonos had a refurbished sale recently. But I got a small soundbar, then two satellites for surrounds. When best buy had an open box subwoofer for almost $200 off I threw my credit card rewards at a gift card and jumped at it. And… my god.

It’s incredible.

The subwoofer alone retails for about what my entire home theater speaker setup cost, but holy SHIT does it sound amazing. I stood there in the middle of the music room for a solid 15 minutes, flipping through favorites songs, goosebumps the whole time. Night and day better than the old setup. If there’s one thing I’ll splurge on, it’s music.

… who am I kidding? I splurge on whatever the hell I want BUT THATS NOT THE POINT the point is listening to this 5.1 setup is a borderline spiritual experience and my wallet will not be pleased with the resulting decisions made.

And of course… I’m gonna have to upgrade the home theater setup. Can’t have it lag behind THAT far.

Of course.

Games keep on gamin’. I wrapped up Persona 5 Strikers. Only (“only”) 60 hours, instead of the 150 that was Persona 5 Royal. I didn’t love the action gameplay as much, and it really pulled the rug out from under a lot of the RPG elements that I loved about the first. But it was more time with the characters I had fallen for, so I loved it anyway. Such a Persona fangirl I’ve become all of a sudden. Moved on to finally working on Horizon Zero Dawn. Long overdue.

On the VR front, I uploaded the first episode of Valheim VR and it actually turned out really well. I still do the thing where I get so deep into editing that I lose track of whether something is any good at the end, but I uploaded and watched and was genuinely laughing at the results. I’m a decent editor. Terrible Viking. Decent editor. Start my third AND FINAL (??) attempt at getting through the Walking Dead VR game. Trying not to nope right out of there immediately. I’m on day 7 or 8 and doing okayish. Recording. It’s single player, but I had this idea to couch the whole playthrough in a challenge to Bruddah. See who can get through it first. Then the editing could jump back and forth between what we’re doing on each day to compare and contrast our styles and experiences. The gameplay is not my finest work - I don’t feel particularly clever or funny right now - but I’m trying anyway. We’ll see if it amounts to anything.

Singing a lot of Bo Burnham’s “That Funny Feeling”. Picked up a guitar for the first time in months this evening. Sorted out the chords. Most of the lyrics. Music feels the same as exercise, where it’s tough to get started but once the ball starts rolling it gets easier again. And every bit as necessary. I haven’t made nearly the same effort on music as I have on fitness these last few years, but It’s likely just as important to my mental and emotional wellbeing. Hell, I think the song choice alone is evidence of that. Another thing that isn’t going to be fixed tomorrow, but I’m gonna do what little I can today and hopefully tomorrow it’s just a little more.

Uhm… I… made a picture frame? Put up a new two post squat rack in the basement? Caught three mice all at once after months of no mice activity? Was at the office until 9pm on Friday? Uhhh…

There really hasn’t been much happening, has there? Just doing my best to tread water here. With any luck the appointments next month set me on a path to getting whatever this is fixed. Then I can get back to being the active, clever, motivated dude I know I should be. Would be.

Hard for me to ignore the fact that this latest 14 month round of awful health symptoms hit within two weeks of Vally passing. Pretty sure whatever it is was either caused by or triggered by the trauma of that ordeal. And while I’m getting through days a little easier with the tattoos, it’s still really hard. Maybe that’s a matter of my not having others to care for. Not having/allowing others to care for me. I’m well aware of the possibility that I’m stuck in a feedback loop of not feeling good enough to want to go out and meet people and not meeting people so I don’t feel good. I don’t know if that could trigger the physical symptoms I’ve been struggling through, but I’m sure it doesn’t help. Chicken or egg. But I’m not really sure how to pull up out of that spiral any harder than I did last year. Like, I put myself out there on multiple levels. Lots of new experiences. Wasn’t 100% over this health shit, but was significantly better. And now… well…

But that’s further out than I need to be focused on. One foot in front of the other. Just keep head above water. I was lucky to snag those diagnostic appointments next month. Make it to those. See what I need to do to get better. Then push on from there. Warmer weather and longer days ahead. That oughta make the pushing a little easier again.

Vally didn’t carry me through all those bad times for me to fall on my face when she left.

I’ll figure it out.

I’ll feel okay again.

The work that I’ve been putting in won’t have been for nothing.

I’ll start making progress again.

Things will start to go my way.

I’ll feel worthy again.

It’ll get better.

It’ll get better.

It’ll get better.

-M