Out with the Old and In with the Tattoo

Cripes. Where's the time gone?

Busy little bee here. Some ups and downs over the last couple weeks, but generally things are still looking up.

On the girl front, that five dogged potential blind date was a total nonstarter. Not sure what work friend told her or if she was even asking about looking for people, but she wasn't interested in getting a conversation going and disappeared when I hail-mary'd the topic of meeting up at some point. Hard to take it personally when she hadn't talked to, seen, or met me yet. And FB had disappeared for well over a month, house dark and no cars in the driveway whenever I'd pass. I assumed she had moved out and that's why she was hesitant to hang out at some point, but suddenly her car is back as of yesterday. Honestly kind of glad the date didn't pan out, as I'm finding myself less enthusiastic about dating in general lately, but it'll be nice to have those neighborhood conversations again.

I think a big part of not feeling the need to go look for dates is working my way into the CrossFit community. For a long time, dates were a real good way to meet people and socialize. Even when they didn't go anywhere. As someone who is perennially garbage at making friends, it was a way to broach heading out for conversation and drinks. But suddenly I've got a place to be in the evenings where a bunch of people know my name and we can chat a bit before and after all the exercise business. It's filling that social need gap to the point where dates don't have to anymore, and so a whole aspect of dating for me has disappeared. Weird to think that's how I went at it, as I'm fairly to moderately sure most people find it much easier to be friends than get dates, but we do what we gotta do right?

The workouts are starting to come along. I'm getting the hang of MOST of the movements. Not enough to showcase or be super proud of, but enough that I can push through workouts without risk of snapping my spine in twain. I'm still a sweaty panting tomato faced puddle by the end of each one, but it really does feel good to push through. While I still go in to each workout a little intimidated by what's coming, I'm quickly finding that the amount of satisfaction I get from the workout is linearly tied to how intimidated I was. Big risks, big rewards I guess.

Social side of it is awesome. I'm still mostly the quiet guy hanging out on his own through workouts, interjecting my little one liners where I can, but the rapport is building with the regulars and I'm feeling more and more like I belong. Accepted. No need to go big and try to be the center of attention, I'm happy just being a small part of the thing and slowly having more and more people know my name over time.

Community. Something I had kind of written off as unnecessary for awhile. Or maybe just not worth the risks? But it's nice. Real nice. Especially around a group of crazy people regularly pushing themselves until they're flat on their backs gasping for air. My people.

I've decided my ultimate goal is to get into the kind of shape that allows me to get halfway into a workout and then rip off my shirt for a mid-WOD power-up. There are a couple women and a couple men who use it when the going gets tough and it seems like something I need myself. Powering up. Shit just got real. Oh it's on now. Etc and so forth such as.

Speaking of goals, Bruddah had set out with his COVID vaccine in search of music festivals, because music festivals to him is CrossFit to me. Went to his second one recently, then had to turn around and leave for a week long work event. Lawyer, the girl he was kind of trying to date but then mysteriously not but still friends with, was watching his pup while he was gone and I was scheduled to take said pup on the day she had to work late. Well, that didn't pan out, the long work day wasn't needed so neither was my watching pup, but Lawyer very sweetly dropped off a 6 pack she had picked up as a thank you for my potentially helping. She and Bruddah would go out and play tennis sometimes (she played in HS) and so she asked if I wanted to head out sometime to smack some balls around. Sure!…

… but wait…

I texted Bruddah to make sure that was okay. Seemed harmless, but I could have sworn he was trying to date her for awhile and then not and… better to check first than to step in something I didn't know existed. It made me very aware of the fact that he never really told me what the deal was there, or what had happened, or how he felt about it. Which, given how much I rant as nauseum about what I'm feeling or thinking, struck me as odd. But oh well that's guys right?

So Lawyer and I ended up meeting up at the courts last week. She enjoyed going through the proper tennis motions - serving, deuce side/ad side, keeping score, etc, which is not something I've ever really done. But I unabashedly clobbered her. Which was pretty cool, as a guy who only ever dicked around on the courts for recreation.

After the first few games she wanted to grab a water break. We wound up chatting for about 25-30 minutes before she asked if I wanted to head into town for food or drinks. I mean… sure? But like, we just got here? Maybe a few more games? I finished the set, bageled her, before we packed up and went off to the Inn.

I grabbed a table out on the patio and we sat down. Started chatting again. One of those very deep and very personal very quickly chats. Relationship histories and family dramas and personal growth and how we find ourselves where we are in life. The sort of conversation I thrive on. It was fantastic, and I realized I hadn't had one of those conversations in a long time. That teacher I went on a few dates with in January? And before that?…

…

So at one point I recounted how some dates of mine had decided we were meant to be because the first date was just 6-7 hours of conversation, only for me to have to tell them that that's kind of most first dates I went on. Just kind of my thing, the 6-7 hour conversation. And something… something about the mood changed. Maybe I was dreaming it? But it distinctly felt like her nonverbal reaction was “…oh…”, as if she were one of those dates I was having to tell. She mentioned it later in the evening, in the context of “well I know it's normal for YOU, but I haven't met a lot of people who can chat like blah blah”.

Wait… Huh? That's not what I… ok I'm probably imagining things but given the context now I'm feeling slightly uncomfortable.

Figuring I was imagining things, we continued. And then she looked at her phone. And her expression changed all at once.

“I'm sorry… I don't mean to interrupt. It's (Bruddah). His dad just died.”

… Ok well now we're completely off the rails. Another secret he hadn't really been sharing, apparently his dad had been slowly deteriorating. I had heard a couple of major events that happened back around last winter, but I was under the impression things had stabilized. Not so. And now, even with my best of friendly intentions and checking with him first, I find myself sharing dinner and drinks with a girl he was trying to date after an activity they would often play together while he's out of town and his dad just died.

Woof, man. Crazy how these things pile up.

She went to respond and came back shortly after. My phone was in my tennis bag in my car, so I couldn't check mine. Eventually we got back to chatting. Closed the place down, wound up not leaving our patio table until 1130. Despite the reservations and circumstances, it was really gratifying to have one of those one on one conversation evenings again. Think I need more of them.

As for Bruddah, I'm making a point to be as proactive as possible. I've learned to recognize that he's not gonna let me know if he's struggling, just like he wasn't letting me know that his dad was sick or what the deal was with lawyer. If I'm gonna be a good friend, I'm gonna have to check in regularly and specifically ask these things. And that seems worthwhile, even if it breaks general guy code. So I'm working on that. Hoping that the blatant if ham-handed attempt at support will itself be supportive. Even if that's all it amounts to.

Mom and some of her siblings were out to dinner in the area yesterday evening and invited me. I made it sound like it would be hard for me, then adjusted my work and workout schedules so I could be there. So sly I is. Hadn't seen most of them in nearly two years, so that was nice. Only real noteworthy observation is that they are getting OLD. 25 minutes hemming and hawing about which bottle of wine to order and a lot of talk about doctors visits and diagnosis. Old people stuff. ME stuff, I guess, but I'm not old enough to want it to be the focal point of conversations. Oh well. Still nice to see them.

Oh, and there was a large group at two long tables across the dining area from us. People slowly tricked in over the course of an hour and a half until it was the most diverse group of folks I've ever seen. Then I noticed some trends - more piercings than the population average. More gothy folk in black. Generally gave off the impression of a group of misfits meeting up (which, as a bit of a misfit myself, I say lovingly). On my way out, I bumped into the one sort of gothy girl with the bearded dragon on her shoulder throughout the meal. In a restaurant. Which, I mean, cool?

We had a short conversation about the reptile, in which I realized the girl was in a black bra and meshy, fishnetty sort of shawl thing overtop. Not in an EDM festival sort of way, but in a thin, hunched posture, somewhat socially awkward way. Then it hit me…

… OH MY GOD IS THIS ONE OF THOSE KINK MUNCHES I'VE HEARD ABOUT?!?

I have no clue if that's true, but thinking back it seems to fit the bill of how I imagine them going. A super diverse crowd, all a little unorthodox, alt-lifestyles… I think it might have been. I have yet to check FetLife to see if there was an event happening, but I may do that before bed here.

This is getting long. What else is up? I've been redoing the trim in my second floor and the music room. Had some cheapo mdf stuff before, I got the big regal tall stuff this time. Clearly, by my knowing all the technical jargon, you know I'm an expert. It looks much better, is the long and short of it, so fuckin YAY ME TRIMMASTER 6000.

I had called a pest control company to come inspect my place before fall when mice start looking for entrances. While no major mouse problems found, he got to the side of my house, looked up, and said, in that super verbose way that pest control guys have of talking, “… yellowjackets.” Sure enough, an old wiring hole in the siding had lost it's caulk and there was a TON of yellowjacket activity, steady steam moving in and out, like something that needed to be shot with a macro lens and narrated by David Attenborough. I noped the fuck out of that job and called around until I got a guy to get rid of them same day for under $200. Of note: the nest, which must have been very large, was behind the drywall in my master bedroom. RIGHT next to the drywall repair I had finished just a month or two ago. I was one or two studs over from a NASTY surprise when I cut into that wall and had no idea. Yikes.

I realized just today that all of my weird hip (illiopsoas) issues started right after I lost Vally and therefore stopped going for walks in the mornings. Also recognized that it's after these classes, with all the stretching and warmups and work, when I feel my best these days. Thinking I need to wake up a little early to stretch and walk before work. Try it for a couple of weeks. See if there's a difference. Seems kind of obvious now that I've put it together, so hopefully it cures me once and for all.

Finally scheduled my vacation time from work, almost exactly a year since my last days off. I'm taking two weeks at the end of October, and I couldn't be more excited. Don't know what I'm doing, but I know it's gonna be a lot of woosah and some nature and some reading and hopefully a lot of self reflection, meditation, and general regrouping. It's been a hell of a long stretch of stress for me. Need this break.

I volunteered to host family Christmas this year with Mom's side. It's a big family, with people planning to fly in to be here, so it feels like a big deal. Glad I started the trim and drywall projects ahead of time, and I'll likely look to get a few other things finished up beforehand, but I'm excited. I haven't had a chance to show people all the work I've put into this place, and it feels like a real milestone being the first grandchild to have the space to host. I'm sure I'll be running around like a crazy person trying to get everything spotless beforehand, but it should be fun regardless.

Oh, I called in my once a year free bulk trash pickup from the city. Got rid of the old queen mattress and the molding lovesac bases I had in storage and the old (likely haunted) grandmother clock I had in the hallway. And, after much deliberation, I also got rid of a particular project that a particular partner had me build to fill a particular fantasy of hers. The catch? The item in question is way too big to cover up or hide as it sits on the curb in front of my house. The solution? Hide it in plain sight. I figure it looked enough like a dog crate that nobody would question it. Especially with most neighbors knowing what's been going on in my life. Right? Nobody would suspect, right? RIGHT?!? Well literally AS I was bringing it out the older hippy husband neighbor across the street came out to ask if he could have the side table. Gave my AHEM dog crate AHEM a good long sideways glance. But then didn't ask about it. Leaned against one side as he chatted with me.

… dodged a real bullet there…

Less than three weeks until my tattoo appointment, and I'm genuinely excited. My looking forward to something that I know full well will involve needles and a lot of pain feels like some personal growth on one level. Being able to go in and get something permanent done like that feels like personal growth on another level. Letting things fly a bit more and all that. Ultimately, I'm still not sure how I want the collar and heart tag, if it should be realistic or stylized, full band or partial, outlined or filled in red for the heart tag, but I'm not sweating it. The artist let me know there's plenty of time set aside to come up with a design when I get there. So I'm just gonna go in, listen, and figure out what I like most. I'm leaning towards the full band right now, but trusting that I'll figure it out and be happy with it. There's some more personal growth.

And, while a part of me is worried that having her collar on my forearm will make it harder to get over or move on from the loss of my best friend, there's a bigger part that thinks it will be a relief to have her coming with me everywhere again. Like I won't have to worry about forgetting her, or feel guilty for being happy while she's gone. On some level, I've been carrying that weight with me all year. I pray this will take the weight off my heart and ink it on my skin instead.

Been a blur for the last month, but there's some relative light at the end of the tunnel coming. Minor setbacks here and there, but things are coming along and I'm making progress on the big goals I set out for myself at the beginning of the year. Feeling stronger. Mentally and physically. Things to look forward to. Personal progress to keep working at. And more milestones to cross off as I climb higher and higher.

I'm doing it, sweet wolf. I'm putting in the work and allowing myself to be in uncomfortable situations and I'm doing it. Looking forward to having you along for the ride again, even if only as tattoos.

-M