Winterballs and Springtits

Well., once again I’m not sure much is happening here, but it’s been another week or two, hasn’t it? Almost feels like I’m obligated to write something then. Skimp on therapy bills, invest in a website. Sound medical advice.

Said no one, ever.

Still here. Still aiming big. It was a rough week, not being able to move much or shower well due to the little holes in my abdomen. The good news is that the derm called and all four spots came back benign. It’s the second good-news medical results call in a row (the first being that thyroid levels are steady) after a solid year of bad news medical results calls. I had gotten so used to hearing that something was wrong or more testing would be needed that I didn’t really know how to handle it. The bad news is that all four holes were teetering towards infection, and god DAMNIT does antiseptic/antibiotic gel sting like hell. Seems to be mostly in order. Only a little pain left. Healing, however slowly. I’ll be happy to be past this.

My lower back had seemed to correct itself after a month or so of being off, and then it came back all at once the other day. Suspiciously, right after I spent several hours on the theater couch playing some more Fenyx. Connection? Was it REALLY all triggered by poor support there? Doubt that’s the only thing, but it may be contributing. $3700 of theater recliners will be ordered as soon as I get my leather swatches in and settle on a color. In the meantime, I fixed the problem spending too much time in front of Fenyx - my game save corrupted.

le sigh

I spent all day Saturday disassembling my old office desk, hauling it out of here, then hauling the 10 or so boxes from FedEx up the stairs and building the new setup. Pretty much assured NOT to be invited to the FedEx guy’s birthday party at this point. Whatever, the desk it YUGE. I measured the outer dimensions of the old desk and matched this new setup to that. This was smart of me. I also failed to take into account that the new desk is 30” wide whereas the old was about 18-20”. That means way more desk space and way less chair space. This was less smart of me. It works though, and the stand/sit feature is glorious. I was on the wobble board most of today, swinging my hips around so much any neighbors peeking in must think I’ve taken a side gig as a camgirl. It’s a nice setup. I’m lucky to have it and luckier still to have had the majority of it paid for for me. Should help with my back over time, regardless of the cause.

What else is happening? Dating site seemed to be coming on real strong, culminating in a like from and conversation with a really cute 24 year old opera singer/dancer. Always with the dancers, me. Unfortunately, she did the same bullshit move where she’s just responding to questions and failing to engage beyond that. I honestly can’t tell if that’s a move attractive people pull because they don’t think they have to try, or if they just lack the conversational skills to banter. Doesn’t really matter, it’s a dealbreaker, so I bailed. On the site, actually. With everything else going on, I went from being in a headspace where reaching out felt right back to general fucking-hell-grab-hold-of-something survival mode. No time for that nonsense right now. Maybe mid-spring once the winter wears off and I get misc health stuff sorted.

Another long hike with Casey and Aloy yesterday, this time through a different state park. With everything that’s been going on this year, being out in the woods with close friend and happy puppy is like the ultimate therapy. No offense, goofy online journal. You’re a close second. It was a good two-three hours wandering and chatting and watching the pup happily zoom back and forth and it was splendid. I get to puppysit for a night next week and I’m both really excited and kind of terrified. Not of puppysitting, just of possible emotions it stirs up having a dog here again for a night and then sending her off. I think I’m ready for that, but how would I possibly know unless I try? It’s likely going to be a fun happy 24 hours, but there’s also likely to be some tears.

On that note, the Vally coping is… coming along. Slowly, but it’s getting there. Fewer sudden emotional moments from it. It feels like I’ve turned the corner to where being in the house by myself feels normal. That was a big one for me at first - a big part of the reason I bought this house in particular was the yard and fence and proximity to parks. I moved in with her and it wasn’t until her first dental appointment 5 years later that I walked through the door and she wasn’t either waiting for me or with me. So the being alone thing is definitely an adjustment, but I’m getting there. I’m no longer trying to factor in where she is into my decision as to whether or not I should get up and change rooms, for instance. A thing that I never started doing intentionally, but after 8 years it had become as much a part of how I live as putting on my seatbelt when I get in the car or locking the front door behind me. Automatic. Anyway, I still miss her tremendously, but I’m learning how to be without her. That’s gotta be good progress at this stage in the game.

I'm finding it especially tough to pull myself away from work now that she's gone. Before I had this fluffy little timer behind me always, and if I went more than 30 minutes past my normal hours she'd be all over me for it. Now there's no real external push to log off, so I've found myself working until 6, 7, and beyond some evenings. Friday evening I took a break for dinner and jumped right back on to do yearly performance evaluations for my team. Was on the computer until 10. Not great. It feels sort of necessary with everything going on at work, and the opportunity cost seems low while I'm waiting out illness, winter weather, and a pandemic, but I need to tread lightly here. I don't want to become that workaholic type. Had a nice little niche carved out for myself as the guy who works hard and accomplishes a lot during his normal hours but values his free time away, and I don't want to lose that spot. Will monitor it, right the ship soon. Workouts should start up again shortly. That'll help.

I did kind of enjoy the staff evaluations, as dumb as that is. I got over the imposter syndrome fairly quickly, which seemed no small task. Realistically, who am I to judge 6 people, all of whom have been in the department longer than I have (some by well over a decade), and 5 of whom are significantly older than me? But no, that's not true, I'm bright and I read people well and I have a good grasp on big picture business stuff and I know how to steer a group when needed. It's also nice feeling the respect coming from the team. Some embraced me in that role quickly, some more slowly, but I feel like they've come around. I wouldn’t have guessed how much that means, but it means a lot. Again, helps me get over the imposter syndrome and to see that I'm worth this latest big raise.

Cripes, am I gonna get another raise this review period? I mean, if so it certainly wouldn't be a big one, but even cost of living percentages are decent little chunks based on my salary. Better not get my hopes up. I had assumed not. But… well I guess I'll see.

Played a little piano today. I had stopped cold turkey after losing little wolf. Just didn't have any desire anymore. Honestly I think I was just scared of it. I tend to repress so many emotions and they boil over when I play music. Remember after things went so wrong with CT Girl and I would get suddenly teary and depressed trying to sing Radiohead's Creep? Remember when I was recovering from Ice Queen's bullshit and I literally could not get my voice to make it through the last verse of Bieber's Love Yourself? Or when HMAtS had finally given up on me and run off with some other dude, crying about me the whole way, and I had to cover Free Fallin' through tears every time? Yeah. I've never been able to play music without getting a little vulnerable, and with Vally I just haven't been ready to be even more vulnerable than I already am. So a few songs on piano today is progress.

I sent some cardboard bricks to sister and her clan the other day. The same oversized cardboard bricks that we used to stack up one row at a time and attempt to jump over, head first, until someone crashed through them. Such good times, whiplash and everything. Anyway, they had one set that just came in and wanted another but for the expense and so I just sent another. For a good whiplash cause. Felt strangely like the first real connection moment for me in a long time, save people offering their Vally condolences or the occasional friend hike. It also struck me when I got the family picture of them enjoying the bricks - a year and a half is a long time to be distancing from a group of four kids of various ages. Juniper Berry looks like a teen all of a sudden. Hazelnut is still her wild self but bigger. Jammie and Magpie are still kids, but talking, personable kids and not just the little toddlers bopping around on their own. Weird. I guess, without Vally to plan with, I'll probably find it easier to visit them more often. Easier to just up and head out. Will I do it? I mean… probably not as much as I'm making it seem now. But it does seem like a real possibility.

They're calling for another 4-8 inches of snow tomorrow. Winter is balls. But! Spring is tits, and we're coming up on the final week of February here. This lethargic pacing back and forth between the my desk, my fridge, and my bed won't last too much longer. I always feel better in the spring, for years now, so I just need to keep doing the best I can to hold as much of it together as possible. There will still be a pandemic going come spring, but it'll be a pandemic with windows down and fresh air in the house, longer days, sunny weekends with books down by the lake, outdoor jogs, and more energy overall. The better I can do now the further ahead I'll be once I regain traction, but I will regain traction regardless. Then it's off to the races.

It'll be better. Soon.

-M