Borrowed Time.

So, the internet caught fire.

I was minding my own business, 9-something PM on a weeknight. I had finished my workout, dinner, shower, and was hanging out shirtless in bed. Watching some Youtube before I passed out for the night.

WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM

It was less a knock on my door than someone trying to knock it down. Fast. There was either an emergency or I was about to be burgled super hard. I threw on a shirt, bracing for the worst, when a text came in from hipster neighbor.

“Get out here quick”

I zoomed down the stairs and out the front door, still barefoot, to find neighbor on my step, a crowd of other neighbors outside, and an odd smell. I followed the crowd’s eyes up and across until I saw what they were looking at - an active fire in the power lines of the house next to mine.

ohlawditsafarr.gif

By the time I moved my car out from under the lines, the wires were actively melting, with some sort of molten something or another dripping down onto the sidewalk below. Fire department was called. They put it out. Then as they were telling us that they were going to leave, another fire started at the lines two houses from mine. By the time the cable company showed up, it was sparking directly in front of my house.

Comcast had been running fiber optic lines that day. Turns out maybe they didn’t do it quite right actually. Likely a short between the streetlamp power and the new fiber. That would explain why they were fine all day but started heating up when the lights came on that evening. Whatever it was, they were out until 6am working on them, then there all the next day re-running the melted cable.

Top work there, fellas. Crackerjack job.

———————————————————-

Didn’t realize how long it’s been here since last post, but It’d definitely been a minute. Lot happening, and yet nothing happening. Been busy anyway. I guess that’s something.

I’ve been pushing on the fitness/nutrition front. Realized that I’ve got only a few months left before the world goes dark and winter creeps in and my system falls apart, so I need to make as much progress as I can. Fast. Got myself out on the pavement and running again a few times a week. Up to 3-5 miles on average, which I contend is impressive given that I’m still carrying some 20-30 extra pounds. I discovered a hilarious fitness youtuber that comes from the old school hypertrophy/muscle-mind connection/bro split world of bodybuilding and it motivated me to get back on that train and I didn’t realize how much I missed it. Focusing more on blasting the individual muscles than optimizing bar path to stack a few more lbs on a compound movement. It’s still lifting, but it’s a completely different mentality. Trying to be as inefficient as possible to stimulate muscle growth, instead of trying to be as efficient as possible to add weight which then stimulates muscle. This is what I started on - not caring about my max bench as long as I look and feel good - and it’s refreshing. I’ve been consistent with it. Finally, after months of struggle, starting to see the scale move a bit. Sticking with it.

Possibly more impactful, I elbowed my way into the doctor for blood work. I’ve known for a long time that something has felt off, almost two years now, and the fact that all the old tricks for health and fitness weren’t working anymore had been raising alarm bells in my head. All the effort for months, nothing to show for it. So I finally went to make sure I’m good before I started this big end-of-year push to get back on track. And?…

… I’m not. Not good at all.

Everything looks fine across the board… except for testosterone levels. Those are significantly below normal thresholds.

Fucking. Hell. No WONDER all the work I’m putting in isn’t getting it done. No WONDER I’ve been run down, tired all the time, low appetite, no real desire to get out and date again… a lot of things snapped into place when the results came back. Part of me is angry that nobody checked this in all the tests and bloodwork I’ve had done in the last 3 years. Part of me wonders why I hit this wall immediately after Vally passed. Like, I was 30lbs lighter and making big gains in muscle mass. I know hormone changes are complex things that are hard to pin down, but it really feels like that event triggered this change in my system.

I felt like my body was shutting down after I lost my tiny wolf. Turns out I might have been right.

Had a long talk with the doctor yesterday about what to do. For better or for worse, my long time primary care guy is a no-nonsense type with no time for niceties or feelings. Essentially, he explained to me that hormone replacement therapy is a thing, but the long term side effects are not well studied yet. There are definitely risks. Possible increased risk of heart attack, stroke, or clots. Definite increased risk of prostate cancer one day. He explained it as an earlier onset of prostate cancer - if you would have gotten it at 70 you’ll get it closer to 65. If you would have gotten it at 120 you’ll now die before getting it at 114. If you would have gotten it at 55, now you’re looking at 50. This, of course, sounds like bullshit. You can’t AB test that, how could they possibly make claims like that? Sounds like a liability dodge. “No no, our product didn’t GIVE you cancer. It just sped the cancer up you see”.

Regardless. I’m suddenly facing a choice. Do I choose the therapy, hopefully improving quality of life right now while potentially borrowing some years from my life 10, 20, or 30 years from now? What’s the relative value of years 38-40 vs years 75-80? How does one even compare and contrast such a thing?

I’m a low risk person in general. If I’m not actively at risk from the condition, it seems like adding some potentially dangerous meds in the mix to treat it doesn’t seem wise. But… am I not actively at risk? Isn’t the weight gain in spite of dieting and exercise a health risk? Isn’t the mental and emotional side of continuing to feel not like myself a long term health risk? If I’m putting in the effort to improve and still not able to do anything other than maintain, it seems like this extra weight is going to eat away at the rest of my systems anyway. Not that the majority of people don’t walk around much unhealthier than I am now, but… I guess I don’t really care to live by the standards of "average”…

And what about the relative quality of life between now and when I’m 75 (assuming I even make it that long)? Is the difference between struggling or feeling good through 2023 worth living or not living through 2055?

That one really has me thinking. Not about later in life, but now. The sense of urgency that I have lacked for awhile, it sure gets sparked when I consider the possibility that this year I’m living in might be the most valuable of all the years I have left. Fuck, it probably IS the most valuable of all the years I have left. And here I’ve spent the last several years feeling like hell, not feeling like myself, working my ass off to try and come back but never quite getting over the hump…

I applied my first dose this morning. Doc says people start to feel a difference pretty quickly. Literature says it could take 3-6 weeks for levels to fully balance out. It’s a topical gel, goes under the arm, and I have to be VERY careful when hugging now, lest the females close to me start growing beards. There’s one for the ages. “HEY IM ASHTON KUTCHER YOUVE GOT A MUSTACHE NOW YOURE ON PUNK’D”.

The plan is to try it. Give it 3 months and see how I feel. See where my levels land. Maybe I’m an overly optimistic idiot, but I just don’t believe that my system is no longer capable of functioning on it’s own. The downturn was just too sudden. I think the stress and anxiety and trauma of things around me on top of the other medical issues I ran into on top of the social isolation from the pandemic combined and wrecked my system all at once. But I also know that this is a condition that can be improved. Body composition, exercise levels, diet, getting out and socializing more, these can all help in getting me back to me, even without the beard gel. So, I’m trying it to see if it helps. If it seems to help, I’m going to give it a year or two. And I’m going to bust my ASS in that time. Pushing even harder than I have been. Running in the dark of winter, or before work on the treadmill. Making more progress on this new hypertrophy workout I’m on. Continuing to up my protein intake and cutting out any extra calories that have floated into my daily diet. And then, when I’m back, I fully believe that I won’t need the meds anymore. I’ll be good on my own.

It’s gonna work. I’ll make it work.

Lesser news - I went on a date. She was nice. It ended in one of those hugs where I could tell she wanted me to kiss her but I wasn’t feeling it and didn’t feel like forcing it and that’s not comfortable for anyone now is it? I was going to keep chatting with her, but she started doing that thing where she doesn’t really respond in any detail to texts, just a positive acknowledgement of what I’ve said and then nothing, and that’s not enough to sustain interest.

Then, out of nowhere, I got a text from the Pack Leader. The girl with the 5 rescue pups that coworker girl tried to set me up on a blind date with 12 months ago. At the time, PL didn’t answer the call, returned with just a text, and then gave a half-hearted message or two before disappearing. I couldn’t feel bad about it - she had no idea what I looked like or who I was or anything really. So she sent an apology, a note that she wasn’t really ready to be dating at the time, but that she was wondering if I was still single. I’m not feeling great still, but she seemed attractive and a hiker and a dog lover, so I gave it a go. We texted for a few days. Got some laughs. Asked if she wanted to meet up for drinks. She told me she had dog stuff, but wanted to meet up soon. I asked when worked better for her schedule. And…

… nothing. I haven’t heard from her since.

… Women. shakes head

I got a notification from my hot water heater, the one I installed in late 2020, saying that a leak was detected. What a long drive home that was. Turned out to not be catastrophic, thank god, but a slow leak coming from the expansion tank. I reached back with my phone to take a picture of the side of the tank I couldn’t see and found a big ugly cancerous rust spot that was slowly dripping. Under about 50PSI. That thing was going to explode and then I’d have an active faucet spraying water into my finished basement. Mercifully, after my work on the heater, I was comfortable enough with the system to have a replacement expansion tank installed by the end of the evening, but it does make me wonder… what if I wouldn’t have replaced the hot water heater when I did? The old one didn’t have a leak alarm. I would have never seen the rust spot on the back of the expansion tank. Odds are good it would have fully burst in the coming months and I wouldn’t have known about it until I heard the water. Yikes. Guess it pays off to be proactive sometimes.

I nabbed a PS5 finally. Played through the demo game that came with it, a love letter to/museum of playstation console history. More fun than it had any right being. Then, ready to experience the latest and greatest in next-gen PS5 technical performance, I fired up a PS4 game.

ooooooOOOOOOoooooooooh…. aaaaaaAAAAAaaaaaaah…

The system came with the latest Horizon, but I couldn’t in good conscience play through it without finishing the original. So I’ve been working on that between doctors visits and workouts. It’s… really good. In the 3 other times I had started it and wandered off, I hadn’t gotten through the exposition to the rising action or even the introduction of the main conflict. Once that moment got it’s hooks in me, I was gone. Lots of time spent, even more to go. Nice to have that to unwind with.

Haven’t had any desire to edit videos of late. My channel partner is basically MIA, off doing other shit. When we came up with the idea for this thing we were both going to be working on the editing and other channel responsibilities. Then it became I’ll edit and do all the technical stuff and he’ll promote. Then I’ll do everything including promote and edit and provide hardware he needs and he’ll just join in the playing. Now he’s MIA on the playing too. Dude has been a good friend for a long time, but more and more I’m seeing him as a consumer. Just a consumer. He wants to go places and look at things, experience things that other people have created. Music festivals, beer tastings, farmers markets, anything that requires admission and has a group of other people looking at it too. I, by contrast, am a maker and a learner. I want to learn how to do things myself, create things myself. Going places to see things can be fine once in awhile, but it feels… shallow? Empty? Like I’m no better for the time spent, where I could have been learning a new instrument or learning a new skill or building something that wasn’t there before. It’s been a growing divide. Unfortunate, because in my mind he’s been my best (human) friend for well over a decade. I could use that best friend right now. But I’m also not looking for a pity-friend, so fuck it. I’ll just keep doing me the best I know how.

Was thinking about ways to reconnect somehow. Find a group with similar interests and hobbies. Joined Meetup, then deleted it again later that day. It’s as lame as I remember. Thought about the possibility of getting another dog. Less because I want to take on that level of uber-attachment that I develop and more just for the companionship. But I really don’t want to tie myself down again like I had been for so long. Not yet anyway. I considered getting a cat. Been a long time since I cared much about cats, but they do fit the bill of being another creature floating around a space. Low commitment, low investment companionship. The streetwalker of the pet world. Passing each other occasionally in the hallway, like disgruntled roommates with nothing to talk about. And then as I was doing all this thinking…

I had been outside a couple weekends installing these new Ubiquiti security cameras, when I noticed one, no TWO cats lounging out at the fence in my yard, as far from the house as they could be. They were lazily watching the robotic lawnmower putter by, then pouncing at it when it had passed. You know, cat shit. I went to test the security cameras, checking the motion sensing and capture features, and found that the little dark cat was all the way up on my patio at night, toying with crickets. The next night, the same. The night after that, the same.

I went out a few days later with a string trimmer to clean up the edges of the yard - little dark cat went flying out from under the raspberry bushes and squirting under the fence at the back of the yard. Huh…

Well… I haven’t any idea where he comes from. He may be wandering over from the neighbors who own him. He may be lost. He may be feral. I haven’t spotted any signs of a collar yet, but he hasn’t let me near enough to really check. I’m assuming he belongs to someone, and is just out causing mayhem in people’s yards. You know, cat shit. But… he looks very small, and I don’t see any collar yet, and he seems to be hiding around the yard night and day at this point, so…

Here’s to the universe sending you exactly what you were looking for when you were looking for it, even if it’s just the opportunity to make sure a furry little neighborhood asshole isn’t going to starve.

-M