Nine New Rules
Oh hey. Still here.
Not fully sure why.
Been absent largely because Im self reflective on these posts and I haven't wanted to be. Been a real down stretch here. Lots of spinning my wheels. Lots of waiting to feel better with no real progress to speak of. Ups and downs, but the normalized curve is still flat.
I had high hopes for those doctors trips. Thought I was doing the right thing, finally putting nerves aside and going in for something I've known has been off for a long time. Went through several appointments. Multiple referrals to specialer and specialer specialists. MRI and multiple ultrasounds and some EXTREMELY uncomfortable procedures to try and find the cause. Nothing. Doctor still gave me the old shoulder punch/”walk it off, champ” treatment. Didn't spend more than 10 minutes with me after all the weeks and thousands of dollars of diagnostic bullshit he sent me to first.
Asshole. Fuck him.
Back to the getting better drawing board, then.
All that said, I've had my eye on today, the last day of a 3 day weekend, as a potential turning point. It feels like a free day. An extra day to pull things together. Make a plan. Turn a corner. Put this stretch behind me and move on. So, with Wimbledon on in the background and laundry running, let's vent the bullshit and make a plan.
Step 1. Get better. And then… uhhh….
I think I'm starting to see the projects as a problem. Self destructive behavior. Some people have drugs, alcohol, gambling, and I have my projects. A little counterintuitive, but I think that's what's made it a bit more insidious. Nobody is gonna see working on projects as a negative. But I come up with projects that seem fun and productive and I wind up fixating on them so intensely that the things I need to be doing for myself drift out of focus. Bigger long term goals are set aside. New habits fall off. My whole world shifts towards whatever the thing is and after it's done I find myself unmoored again. Directionless. Searching for a new problem for which to work on a solution.
Lately it's been the arcade machines. The new VR PC led me to shifting older PCs down the chain. My old editing PC became the arcade PC, which prompted the long-awaited rebuild on the arcade. I put the PC in a smaller case, upgraded the monitor, installed a digital marquee, and added a few new console systems to the mix. In the process, I stumbled upon the world of digital pinball. Tried installing a few games in the upright cabinet, and then learned about how people put multiple screens in an actual physical pinball cabinet to recreate the authentic pinball experience.
…
… Okay I'm in.
I moved the upright arcade to the only empty space left in the basement and pulled new wires so it can live there for good. Found a guy on Facebook selling his halfway completed cabinet cheap with all three screens and a bunch of the digital accessories. Then I put together another PC with mostly older parts I had lying around. Lots of modifications. Lots of learning about the software. Added some exciter speakers so you can actually feel the cabinet rattle when flippers flip and bumpers bump. And it's… awesome. It's really cool. I've been having a blast with it.
But.
As I've been working on it, I get more and more pulled in. Meal habits fade. The 3 mile daily runs I was going for are much less frequent. And, in general, I suddenly feel like hell. Down. Unmotivated.
… Depressed?
I've avoided that word for a long time. I still shy away from it. But I don't think I'm fooling myself anymore. This is definitely depression. I don't know if it started with Vally passing or just got much worse, but that's what I'm fighting now. I've had Bo Burnham's “The Future” stuck in my head for the last few weeks and I think it's largely because the lyrics hit home so precisely.
“Am I depressed? (Yes!) Stressed? (Yes!) It's anyone's guess.
I'll bother getting better when I bother getting dressed.
Nailed it. Especially the difficulty in caring enough to do better and get out of the rut. I know full well that I need to put in the work to pull myself out of it, I just…
What is it? That I don't want to? No, that’s not it, I'd give just about anything to feel better again. Difficulty with the physical symptoms? That's definitely a part of it. The tightness in my hips, digestive nonsense, ringing in my ears, and discomfort in my neck and jaw have been dragging on me for 18 months now. Lack of self worth? Probably a piece. This stretch of time spent trying to get myself back has gone on years longer than anticipated and I'm beginning to feel a little like a pariah on the outskirts of everything. By my own hand. When nobody gives a shit about whether or not you get better, all the motivation and belief and drive has to come from within and some weeks that's just…
… it's hard. It's really hard. I can be really strong. I self motivate well. But just a little slip and there is no external support to help prop me back up. Stay up too late working on something one night and I wind up missing some sleep, then being too tired to exercise, then making a bad meal decision that leaves me feeling heavy and unmotivated the next day and ahhh I don’t really need to shower I’m not going anywhere anyway and… the next thing you know it’s a 4-5 day depressive bender I’m having to pull myself out of.
But today is a free day. A planning day. So let's figure out some steps I need to take to get out of this and avoid future ruts.
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Sleep. When I'm on and things are running properly I've noticed that I'm up in the mornings on time and clear headed. For nearly two years now I've been oversleeping alarms, laying in bed for too long, and then scrambling to get to my desk on time. Part of that feels systemic, but part is definitely regular sleep habits. Or total lack thereof. Getting 4 hours of sleep on weeknights and then laying in bed until 11:00 on weekends to try and make up for it ain't working. So…
1. 11pm to 6am every night, with a little wiggle room on Fridays and Saturdays as needed. Alarm on weekends, to help you develop the habit.
Following that line of thinking, I need some sort or morning routine that is more than just “scramble to get to work because I’ve pushed it to the last possible second”. I’ve never been a morning exerciser, but maybe I can at least find the energy to do something in the mornings. A routine to start the day with a bit of movement.
2. 10 minutes of stretching and a shower first thing each morning.
I’ve spent the last couple of years trying to sort out what foods might be causing all the issues I’ve had. I’ve cut all dairy. I’ve cut all wheat and gluten. I’ve cut all carbs. I’ve cut all sugars and fake sugars. I’ve cut alcohol for months at a time. And, at the end of the day, I’ve discovered that cutting these things never made much of a difference. Minor helps - I certainly feel better when I’m not pounding sugar on the daily - but not the sort of help that convinces me I need to do those things to feel better. So I think I’m gonna go back to the meal plan that I’m familiar with and comfortable with and worked for me years and years ago.
3. Lots of smaller snacks throughout the day. Never a big meal. Breakfast, early snack, lunch, late snack, preworkout snack, and a postworkout shake. Keep it between 2000-2200 calories a day.
Exercise. I got motivated and tried to get back into rehabbing my broken body a few weeks ago. Immediately tweaked a lat doing some lightweight rows and couldn’t keep going. Was sore and hurt to breathe for 3 days, but that was nothing compared to how defeated I felt emotionally. So I need to get moving again beyond just the jogs, but I also need a slow, careful buildup to avoid a major blowout and more time off in recovery.
4. Keep jogging. 2-3 miles, 3 days a week. Maybe some yoga to go with it. The other 4 days, get on an upper/lower split. Focus on range of motion before strength. Make time for rehab movements for the first few weeks, until joints feel solid again. Add a focus on core and glutes, as I’ve always been more focused on extremities.
It was alluded to earlier, but I need to quit picking up these big projects. They are fun, but they are distractions away from what really matters and I wind up feeling less fulfilled by the end than more. Ultimately, I think this is me focusing on the value of everything but myself. I need to start prioritizing my own health, relaxation, social life, and skills over these external things I create.
5. Limit projects. If you take one on, make sure it’s only one at a time. DO NOT RUSH THROUGH IT. All other habits and rules come first, and the project time is ONLY extra time I find myself looking to burn.
Speaking of time being wasted, I’m more and more aware of how much time I can burn on my phone in a day. I’ve avoided social networks forever specifically to avoid this habit, but still I’m starting to just sit and scroll idly when I should be up doing something. Or, equally as important, sitting and doing very little (reading, watching a show, listening to music, etc). Too many hours are getting burned up this way.
6. Leave your phone somewhere else in the house rather than carrying it with you always. Use the new Sonos controller you set up to change music instead of your phone. Limit phone time before bed and skip it entirely in the mornings until you’re done with stretching and showering.
Speaking of social networks, I’ve been discovering that I’m less of an introvert than I’ve always imagined. Had several occasions recently of hanging out with small groups of people or being out and about and actually feeling better, not drained. I think I’ve been mistaking social anxiety and agoraphobia for introversion, or perhaps just excusing them with introversion, but I’m not doing myself any favors playing into those habits.
7. Get out more. It doesn’t have to be anything extreme. Keep going for walks. Go read at the park instead of at home. Sit out on a bench and play guitar instead of at home. Focus on finding ways to be around people more so you don’t feel so isolated all the damn time.
Oh. Right. Music.
8. Hey, dickhead, why aren’t you playing music? That’s your release, has always been your release, and you haven’t been making time for it. Is it any wonder that you’re all fucked up now? Sing. Play guitar. Play piano. You love that shit. You don’t have to be any good. Nobody is here to judge your ability. Do it to vent everything you’ve been keeping pent up these last few years.
Lastly, I’ve noticed that my self image has been hurting these last couple years. Actually, quite a few years now. I used to be good at this. Recognizing my own strengths along with the weaknesses. Valuing the things I’m good at and allowing myself to feel good about them. A positive outlook on myself could go a long way in solidifying these things as habits and not just rules on some dumb online journal.
9. Sorry I called you a dickhead. You’re not a dickhead. You’re a bright dude with a good heart and a lot of talents that’s just a little lost trying to find his place lately. There are far worse things to be. Nobody really knows their place. So go get it. You’re gonna fuck it up sometimes and there will be setbacks and none of those will change the fact that, generally, you’re really good. Talk like you know it. Focus on shifting your inner monologue to positives instead of negatives. Even if you have to force it. Forcing positive self-talk now will lead to natural self-talk later. Fake it til you make it.
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No way these things all stick immediately, but I do think they’re a good set of rules to reference as I’m working on getting better. All in all, things aren’t as bad as they feel. I’m a decent looking single dude with a cushy high paying job in an ultra comfortable home living in a great town. As far as starting points go, that’s not such a terrible one from which to springboard into better times. It’s just gonna take effort and determination. Some resilience. I was great at that push once.
I bet I can be great at that push again.
Watch.
-M
